TLDR: I (30F) still hold a place in my broken healing heart for my best freind (36M) but my other best freind (39M) who has been there for me through some hard years wants to become more than freinds. I am still healing from my last relationship and dont know if i am making the right moves. I also dont want to hurt anyone, including and most importantly myself. what do i do?
I know it sounds racey; its really a lot more mild lol The heavy heart best friend, well call him T, and I have known each other since I was 20. We started as FWB and, of course, when things started to get emotionally serious, we both bailed in our own ways. But over the years we kept in touch, and every time we saw each other it was a reminder that we have this deep heavy hearted connection. Yet both of our lives consisted of drama that kept us from dating seriously. We ended up accepting our friendship and spent 4 years just snowboarding together, we have the most amazing chemistry on the mountain, and have yet to find someone i ride with as good as i do with him. we even split the cost of a condo by the resort and become inseparable. Aaaand then life got in the way again. Mainly me and my life circumstances pulled me away from that life and he decided to move back to his hometown 3 hours away during this same time frame. Hes been there since 2015. I accepted awhile ago that him moving back toward me was a slim chance. I dont blame him. Where he lives is mindblowingly beautiful. We have both expressed that we are always in the back of each others minds even when in serious relationships.
After my last relationship which rendered me hopeless to the idea of letting someone in again, I couldnt even bring myself to think of a “what if” with T anymore. It stripped me in a way no one ever has before. I put my full trust and faith and efforts into a man I thought was safe only to be left a husk of my former self, disrespected, alone and betrayed; losing my step daughter whom I helped raise from 4mo-2yrs on top of it all. I am still healing from this relationship. The idea of another man touching me, seeing my scars (literal), makes me never want to date again because I dont know who is safe to be vulnerable with anymore. Except for T. I know he is safe because yes, he has changed over the years (for the better), but his base of who he is has remained true. He has never tried to manipulate me or use me but hes also never fully committed to the idea of an us. Granted, neither have I, Living 3 hours away with both of us with well established lives and homes, its hard to see how we will ever come back together. He has also made some crap moves over the years but I forgive him for these becasue he has recently gotten sober and all the times he failed to show up it was because he was out drinking. Its why I had to stop counting on him or hoping for him to return. The problem is he has always felt like home to me. Warm and safe. I have always felt like myself and the comfort i feel when i am with him is indescribable, this deep calm warmth in my chest everytime I am with him, which I find very frustrating atm.
This is where my other best friend (39M) comes in…Well call him R. R and I were actually roommates up until 2021. We started living together in 2016 (I think) because he was the best freind of my exbf att. My ex and I broke up shortly after he moved in and my ex left but R and I remained freinds and roommates. I moved out when I moved in with my most recent ex, the one who stripped me. After we broke up I moved in with my mom to finish my degree at university. Currently graduated. So we are not living together anymore. He has become adopted by my family (big deal) and made sure he didn’t miss my graduation since hes been with me from the moment I told my ex I met him through I was breaking up with him to pursue this career. R has been there unintentionally (because he lived with me) and intentionally through a major brain injury, suffering to recover while trying to get this degree, all my horrible exes he warned me about but I didnt listen, and for my dogs who are obsessed with him lol. Hes my fellow nerd and daily meme bomber. He very recently asked me if I would consider dating him. I was honest and told him yes but I cant go there right now. Even with him, idk if I can trust what is real. Even with T I cant trust myself with what is real.
I told R that I needed space and time to get back to myself but if something were to happen, I wouldnt reject him. Essentially, continue living our lives as freinds like we always have and if a romantic moment occurs, then its okay. This is my attempt at trying to be open to the idea of love despite my intense fear of it that I feel atm. R is safe in a different way. He never really felt like home to me but I always knew/know he has my back. Granted ive also never had a physical relationship with R and wonder if that would change things. But, of course, that terrifies me rn.
Previously, before my ex ruined me, when we were happier, the idea of marriage arose and the first thing to pop into my head was T. I couldnt see myself saying yes because of him. And I find myself feeling this again with R.
I dont know what to do. Im just choosing me right now but T has made comments of wanting to leave his hometown, even got a new job to help pay off debt to buy a home and we constantly talk about what dream home we would build but we havnt seen each other in 3 years. Hes in the midst of change but idk if he truly sees me in that future. And R is obviously a wonderful man who has been there for me for years and if anyone deserves my efforts to over come my fears, its him. But I worry that my deep connection with T will never go away and always feel like what ever relationship I am in will never be the same…
I still have hope of having a family one day, despite the very time consuming career I chose and my dysfunctional uterus, and R has no interest in children. T, on the other hand, wants a family and kids.
am I delusional?