I (15F) destroy my relationship and my self-esteem because of my boyfriend’s (16M) ex (15F) and I need help.
Hello Reddit, this is my first time writing here, I have often seen TikTok reposting stories from Reddit but I have never used the app before. My story is quite long but if anyone could help me I would be very grateful 🙂
I am a 15 year old girl, I know that for many adults present I am a baby but please do not infantilize me, I really need help. For several years, I have been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist because since the start of COVID, I experienced a major depressive episode with suicide attempts, self-harm, my psychiatrist wanted to hospitalize me and to give me a treatment but my parents always refused. Today, I feel much better, I’m not sure I’m completely out of this depressive episode but I’m better, unfortunately I still have a lot of after-effects, I suffer of ED, dysmorphophobia and severe emotional and mental instability.
From April 2022 to May 2023 I was in a relationship with a boy my age but my psychological state was much worse than currently, it was a period during which I tried to end my life. Our relationship was toxic because we were both very depressed. During this relationship, I was obsessed with my ex-boyfriend’s past. I wanted to know all the girls he talked to, all the girls he found beautiful, I even wanted to know the celebrities he found beautiful to compare me to them even though I was only a young teenager. Every time I saw a pretty girl on TikTok or in real life, I kept telling myself that he would find this girl prettier than me and other things like that. I spent entire days comparing myself to girls on the internet who I thought were his type and to girls from his past when I was his first love and he spent his time reassuring me. I’m not going to tell our whole story in detail but I left him during May 2023 because I was no longer in love with him.
Now that I’ve given you some context, I can explain my real problem… Since October 2023, I have a new boyfriend. Our relationship is very different than the one I had with my ex but I like it the way it is. Unfortunately… There is a problem that is ruining my life, my self esteem and my relationship. Before meeting me, he had only one girlfriend who was his first love, they stayed together for three months and he was very in love with her but she dumped him. He was heartbroken then months passed and I came into his life. We are in the same class so when we started talking, on my side it was purely friendly but now I know he was flirting with me. He often found similarities and resemblances with her, he told me that the first time he saw my back he thought it was her, that I look like her, that we wear similar makeup, that our humor is similar and other stupid little details like that. At first I wasn’t interested in him so these conversations didn’t hurt me but when I started to fall in love, thinking about it made me very sad. After our relationship started, we had a big conversation about it and I told him that I was scared and that it hurt me a lot, he explained and eventually I calmed down. But… Ever since I found out who his ex is, I’ve been obsessed with her. She is not in the same high school as us but thanks to a friend who knows my boyfriend’s fella I was able to get some information. I spoke to her on a fake TikTok account to see the way she talks. I also found the accounts of her best friend and of her new boyfriend. I stalk her profiles EVERY DAY, sometimes several times an hour. I save each of her posts in a folder on my phone. I’m obsessed with this girl because I feel like she represents everything my boyfriend loves in a girl. I compare myself to her every day on every detail. I’m making myself cry sick. I always wonder if my boyfriend thinks she’s prettier than me and other stupid questions like that… The worst part is that I KNOW that she edits her photos more than a lot and that she puts so many filters that it looks like a alien to a lot of people but when I see all these girls complimenting her on her TikTok videos it makes me even crazier.
When I talk to my friends about it, they always say sentences to me that I hate: “It’s not just looks that count, you love a person for their personality.“ “She is beautiful but you are very beautiful too, there is no point in comparing yourself.“… I hate these sentences. I KNOW that looks aren’t everything, I know that but that’s not the point! My beauty is my obsession. Telling myself sentences like these obsesses me even more… I know that he loves me for who I am. But I want to know if I am better than her, more beautiful than her. I want to be told the truth, I want to be told the truth again and again, I want to feel better than her. I feel like I’m going crazy and this obsession with this girl is hurting my relationship, I get angry for nothing, I’m sad for nothing… When I’m with my boyfriend, I have the face of this girl appearing in my head, it hurts me so much.
Please adults of Reddit… Help me, I’m desperate. I can’t block her, I can’t stop stalking her account. I feel crazy.
TL;DR: How can I stop making myself sick and stalking her account? How can I avoid ruining my relationship because of my obsession? How can I convince myself that I’m prettier than her?