I’ve (M 30’s) been married for over 10 years to my wife (F 30’s), and have had a rocky relationship at times, but it has taken a pretty drastic downturn lately and I don’t know what to do. We got married at 21 after being together for 2+ years, and we have a tween daughter, and I just don’t know how to handle all the situation with the least amount of fallout for her. My wife and I have been going through cycles of really bad fights, and tension, followed by periods of calm and I feel like we are entering another fight cycle and I don’t want to go through it again, especially with my kid. My wife is just telling me daily she’s mad about promises I made in the past that I didn’t follow through on, and infidelity that occurred before we got married, but was only found out about after my daughter was born (I know how horrible this was of me, and we have tried to work through it, and nothing like this has happened since).
My wife has been diagnosed with depression before, and I really see her mental health cycles kind of driving our fights, and I have tried to talk to her about it, but she really seems unwilling to get treatment. She had been in counseling before, but finished treatment during 2020. Things get so bad now though that she starts throwing stuff, damaging the house, and just screaming that she wants to ruin everything. My child is never really present for this, it usually occurs when my kid is at school, and my wife and I both work from home. Lately though, my wife has started kicking me out of the house, with no car, and none of my things, some times without my phone or wallet. She usually lets me back in within hours, but it is starting to impact my job performance, and I can’t afford to lose my job. I always fear trying to demand stuff, or whatever, because I am afraid of making the situation worse.
I really am at a loss on where to go from here, I love my wife, and I want the life I have with my family when things are going good, but I don’t know how much longer I can handle the dark parts of this cycle, and I am afraid to go to my family for help because my wife would feel ostracized and it would definitely hurt our family if we try to stay together.
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TL;DR: Wife and I have been having cycles of bad fights, usually with my wife ruining property or threatening to ruin things and kicking me out with nothing for a few hours at a time. Not sure what to do because I want to work things out, but feel my wife’s mental health may be causing some of our issues.
20 comments
Time to leave she sounds nuts
She will only get worse and she is abusive/on the path to hitting you.
I would have discussed how to try to fix things, except that your wife is physically abusive, which means that you can’t fix things. It’s time to talk to a lawyer about the best way to separate. You also should document any of the abuse you can. But talk to a lawyer about that too.
Just checking, have you tried telling her many of the things you posted?
I mean you broke her trust in the first place, and it eats you up even if you reconcile with them….but doesn’t mean she should resort to physical abuse..
Have you an advisor, not necessarily a shrink, just someone you both respect and can talk to, perhaps a spiritual advisor, or older family member?
>and I really see her mental health cycles kind of driving our fights
Weird how you blame her for the fights and not the fact that you don’t keep your promises and cheated on her.
You two need a divorce, bad.
Whoa! This is toxic. Leave sooner than later.
It sounds like you are trapped in a cycle of abuse. I don’t condone cheating, but throwing past mistakes or broken promises that happened years ago into your face constantly is an abuse tactic abusers use to guilt their partners into thinking they have to stay. I’m diagnosed with depression, and I have *never* thrown anything at my partner before out of anger. Most abusers will go through a period of calm to make you forget about how bad they can get so that you’ll stay. For the health, safety, and peace of you and your child, I think you need to consider whether this is the type of relationship you want to model for your family, and whether this environment is conducive for you having a happy life, or your child having a happy life.
There is no excuse for her behavior. It sounds like she hates you and time has not fixed anything. What did her therapy address? If she can’t forgive you I wouldn’t blame her, but she should divorce you then. Carrying that much anger is no way to live and not healthy for either side.
Sounds almost like she isn’t just depressive and may have a personality disorder, imo
You my friend are a victim of abuse. You need to seek legal help as soon as possible and it’s recommended you see a therapist to help process everything going on. People on the internet can only do so much so don’t expect much until you start seeking the help that you need bro
I think you should give her an ultimatum .. you can’t continue living like this it’s not healthy for neither you, her or your daughter.
Tell her you’re willing to work on marriage counseling , her own personal counseling and maybe even bringing the trust back into the relationship. Little things like date nights, breakfast dates and stuff can help if you’re both willing to compromise and make it a fun time.
First look at the several paths before you…Now, if you leave where will you live , how will you stay and grow with your kid( if you have one) so on and so forth. That’s the middle path path and by far the more simple and straightforward path. But if you stay, #NOW you need to make important chooses!!# There are far to many paths for me to write them out on my phone, here’s one with love and structure- she seems lost, she wants love but is she thinking about what you need too? Does she believe she is responsible for everything in the house, wither true or not (resentment can build for no reason or good ones), one way you can take responsibility from her is to structure the days and weeks ahead. 😤Now this is important, if you are taking responsibility and working, then you must be the one to enforce when something can happen and when they cant (work time & playtime). If you work from home and she thinks you need to leave ? #NO# grow a backbone not because you want to be mean, but she needs stability. If she can push you around,then she will ( unconsciously, plp do thing to test others they love), set up boundaries, when things go according your plans, you reward her ( s*x, compliments, snuggles)& she does not reward you!!!!, you reward her good behavior( #don’t say SORRY for working hard and loving her#. Then after some time talk it out as equals. “Do you want me to lead and take most of the responsibility from you, so you don’t stress out so much, because I can handle it and I love you ( maybe she tell you what she can handle and work from that), or make this 50/50, talk out our projects( problems) but you cant kick me out or break things then, or else this will fail”. But it’s on you to lead, and if you don’t know how to lead, learn, GOOdlD luck 👍
OP, had it been her who wrote this post, Reddit would be advising her to leave you because you’re abusive. Why are you with her? She is abusive and she knows it but still no change…
The cheating was wrong but the minute she decided to stay with you after finding out meant the topic was closed. Her constantly bringing it up, especially after 10+ years, is ridiculous. If she never forgave you then she should have left. I grew up in a household like this. Trust me, the kid knows what’s going on and yes it does effect her. Normally I’d suggest an ultimatum but it seems it’s too late. Start getting evidence of your wife’s ” tantrums”: yelling, thrown objects, threats, physical altercations, and any manipulation tactics she attempts. Save it then talk to your daughter, alone, the day you get the divorce papers. The kid is old enough to understand what’s going on. Don’t give your wife a chance to hurt or threaten you once the papers are served. Get your stuff and leave.
She has a lot of resentment and I don’t think there’s anything you can do since she seems adamant to not wanting help / not wanting to repair anything. My best advice for you would be to separate yourself and protect your daughter… But I feel like we’re missing information here. What are these broken promises? Is there any substance abuse or abuse in general involved in the situation?
The vast majority of couples I know that got married that early in life are divorced now, which makes a lot of sense, considering you’re still growing as a person and are barely an adult at that stage in life. You had a good run, but things seem like they’re truly devolving to lower and lower depths. Divorce is often the best thing you can do for your kid, as a home filled with tension and anger is pretty toxic.
If your wife isn’t open and comitted to counselling and is literally getting abusive, as well as threatening your livelihood with her actions, divorce seems like a pretty reasonable reaction. You’re both young enough to have fulfilling lives under new circumstances, I wouldn’t drag this out longer than necessary.
Have you thought about going back to therapy. As in marriage. Counseling. Sometimes doing it together is a good way to get her to go on her own
Also going to your own therapist could be good. It could do a few things. Help you learn skills to help her calm down and deescalate. Help you stand your ground and have a healthy way of holding her accountable to her promises or statements of getting help. And lastly helping you know when and how to get out of this relationship in the best way possible to do the least damage to your kid and a co parenting relationship down the road if it comes to that
Often when it’s the other person we think needs the therapy the best thing to do is to get it ourselves. One of my favorite psychologist says. Therapy is for those that need healing from the people that should have gone to therapy originally.
Why are you allowing her to “kick you out”?