I’ve (26F) only been in 4 relationships, and since I wanna get married one day I started reflecting on my past relationships and realized none of them was serious.
All my relationships started out as friends, then we get sexual (the men initiated it) and I went along with it, but I never asked what are we, cus I don’t wanna sound desperate.
And all of these relationships ended cus of misunderstanding that’s not related to our relationship, for example my last breakup was about me shutting off during arguments and him getting upset bc of it.
I’m trying to be a better person with better life choices, but I feel like I always run through the same people with the same patterns.
My friend and I were talking and she said she always asks “what are we? Where is this heading? Etc” after 3 months, even before getting physical, saying “I don’t do this outside of relationships” which creates a healthy boundary and they actually respect her for it.
I wanna be like that, I want to meet great men and start my relationship with them knowing what I want and what do they want, I feel like I wasted so much time and made investments in the wrong people.
7 comments
You need to start making communication a priority in your relationships. Ask early on what they’re looking for in your relationship, like casual, or are they looking for love, marriage, and kids? These are issues that are important to know early on if you’re on the same page or not. So YOU have to take the initiative to have those conversations and make it clear what you’re looking for. And if they’re not looking for the same thing then you need to be able to let them go so you can continue looking for what you want. Don’t waste your time with men who just want casual sex. Going with the flow isn’t going to get you the long term goal of marriage that you want.
may want to look up “dating plans”
and figure out what exactly you want and stick with it.. the whole “i went along with it and had sex” makes it sound like you really just wanted a friend but you were willing to have sex.
shutting off during arguments is your survival tactic but not a healthy one… have you worked on this with therapists?
maybe attachment theory work or core wounds is a way to start.
Dont be afraid to sound desparate, you know what you want. Learn what you want communicate that. A lot of men will lie to get sex so read their words than see if their actions match if they dont well drop them. Meeting a good man who relationship material will be very difficult so be prepared.
Frankly, women who are not virgin and who do not want to test whether we are compatible also regarding sex before a relationship I do not take seriously.
But for sure asking where things can theoretically go is something you or the man should do during the first dates.
Where it then goes is anyway a different question.
> All my relationships started out as friends, then we get sexual (the men initiated it) and I went along with it, but I never asked what are we, cus I don’t wanna sound desperate.
And this is exactly why you don’t give your kitty cat to a man who didn’t even have good intentions for you for the long-term.
Read this till you get it.
For sure figure out what you want and ask if they feel the same.
You gave an example where you said your past partner was bothered by you shutting down during conflict, and said this has nothing to do with the relationship. I have to disagree. Communication is a critical component of relationships, and you both need to be able to talk through conflict.
I’m not sure why you shut down, but I know some people go into freeze out of the fight/flight/freeze mode when they feel overwhelmed. If this sounds like you, let your partner know before conflict happens, and figure out a time frame you two can agree on to take a time out from the argument before talking again (could take you 5-10 min normally, but if you really need to reflect try to keep it under 24 hours).
It’s important that both people can stay close to emotional baseline (not be escalated) because our minds can’t think well when we are triggered. A time out will help get us back to baseline. But having a vague timeframe can cause a lot of anxiety in many people (they anxiously want to dissolve the tension, and not knowing when it will be addressed increases anxiety and can cause the couple more problems), so it helps your partner if you have a “rule” you can both agree to.
Being able to do conflict well with a partner is very important in long term relationships. Conflict will happen. It’s how it’s handled that matters.
You shut off during arguments it sounds like that’s your reason why