I’m 28f, bf is 26m, the other woman is 26f.
2+ years ago, when I was first introduced to the man who would become my now bf, a mutual acquaintance I’ll call Debbie approached me alone right afterward and said “stay away from \[bf\], he’s mine”. She was laughing/smiling when she said it, so I laughed too because I was certain she was joking. I had no inkling of ever being with him anyway at that time, as I had just met the guy.
On another occasion, not long after, his name came up in conversation when he wasn’t with us, and Debbie made a comment that “oh he’s taken now, unfortunately”. Never said who he was seeing, just that he was taken. I’d found her comment out of place in the conversation we were having but again, I didn’t pay much attention because I had no romantic interest in him back then.
My bf has never been diagnosed with anything, but to avoid having to write a huge paragraph describing him so all of what I’m about to write makes sense, it’s easier to just say that based on signs basically everyone knows nowadays, he’s \*probably\* on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. Obviously everyone’s an individual so he doesn’t have every sign everyone else does in the exact same way, but he has super intense interests in subjects classically associated with being on the spectrum, sensory issues with clothing and food, socially he’s kinda “different” and a little awkward, etc. Nothing extreme, he’s just a quirky dude. He lives on his own and owns his own company, so he’s doing pretty well out in the world.
You wouldn’t know it from how Debbie acts, though. She’s always acted like she knows his quirks better than anyone else around, and she makes a big deal about it. She will loudly announce that he won’t be able to tolerate the food people bring around, or tell everyone he won’t be able to tolerate certain sounds or environments. One of her fave things to do is try to “protect” him from sensory input, like if it’s loud/crowded, she will rush over and clap her hands over his ears or his eyes or whatever. She always laughs when she does it, so you could argue it’s a joke, but with the way she talks about him otherwise, there’s clearly some kind of serious vibe to it as well.
Bf actually hates it when people put their hands in/on his face, so he always pushes her hands away, to which she will object like “what, I’m trying to help you ya weirdo”, still laughing all the while. He will straight up tell her to get her hands off him and she will persist. It’s like she enjoys telling everyone else that she knows all about him/how to deal with his issues (her words) but doesn’t actually listen to him about what he likes and dislikes and almost seems like she’s trying to tease and harass him for it more than anything. He’s a good sport about it because he’s a nice person, but it’s clear to anyone looking on that she’s annoying or embarrassing him when she does these things.
Bf and I work near one another and we wound up becoming close friends over time. We started meeting for lunch and it just went from there. He’s highly entertaining and hilarious, interesting, smart, and fun. I’ve never found that I need to focus on his quirks, he seems to know how to handle sensory issues just fine on his own, and mentioning anything like that appears to embarrass him, so it’s not really an issue in our relationship at all.
When Debbie noticed that bf and I were spending time together alone (at the time, still just as friends), she immediately jumped to the conclusion of “oh it’s because of your hair and eye color, you’re his type, I should have seen this coming” and started doubling down on knowing him the best of anyone around and claiming his special needs would drive any girl crazy (except her I guess) so I shouldn’t get any ideas blah blah. There were even a few times she made derogatory comments about people with autism and how difficult it must be to live with someone like that, as if maybe she thought I would hear it and reconsider hanging around bf lol.
Bf and I eventually realized we have a lot in common as far as what we’re looking for out of life, similar sense of humor, we both like to do many of the same things for fun, etc. We skirted around the subject for awhile but I think we both started catching feelings around the one year mark. It took another entire year for us to actually get together and now that we have, Debbie is not happy about it at all.
She has been lowkey acting to others in our social circle like I am some sort of man stealing hussy, and some of them are buying it because for so long, she made it seem like she was the closest one to bf, understands and knows him better than anyone else, etc. I think some of our friends just expected that he would wind up with her as well, so they’re sort of looking for an explanation as to why things didn’t turn out how she was so confident they would, and they want to blame me. She paints me as this shallow person who hasn’t taken the time to know him like she does, so I guess in her eyes I’m not right for him and she is.
Bf describes her as annoying. He says he’s never found her attractive in a romantic way, and that the idea she’s infatuated with him makes him uncomfortable. He has told her directly to quit putting her hands all over him and she continues to do so. He claims he has never misled her as far as acting like he was interested romantically, and when she’s not around and people tell him the various things she says about him, he acts concerned about her sanity lol.
Now, she’s giving me the cold shoulder, acting dramatically depressed and sad around bf, and talking trash about me only being interested in him for superficial reasons like that I’m some type of gold digger or user (his family has money), and some of our shared acquaintances are buying it, so I’m getting side eye and I feel like as soon as I leave the area I’m being picked apart.
Should bf talk to her, or should I talk to her, both of us, or something else?
TL;DR – Mutual friend who has some sort of fixation on my boyfriend is causing problems now that we are dating. She is making me out to be a bad person for becoming involved with him because she’s possessive over him and believes she should be the one dating him. It’s weird and we have no idea how to handle it.