I’m not going to go into too much detail because it makes me sick to think about it, but I got pregnant 6 months into a relationship with a man I married a few years later. A month after we got married, I had a few too many drinks (very rare for me) and found out the next day that he had sex with me while I was unconscious.
Over the years he continued to do so and I would wake up to him inside me even though I constantly told him to not to do anything to me at night. He insisted I was initiating even though I had no memory of being awake.
One night I woke up to him moving my body into position and I knew it was him. I was disgusted and traumatised and I kicked him out and we got divorced.
I have told no one, barring one or two friends, my doctor and psychologist and my parents. We have 50/50 custody and didn’t go through the court. He carried on with his life and job ad normal while I spent years suffering and trying to recover in secret. I was extremely unwell mentally and physically (I lost a tonne of weight and was anorexic). I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to hurt my child or make her life even less normal on top of her processing a divorce.
I now have a new partner who I’ve been with for a few years who is incredible and my kid adores. My child frequently tells me that they’d prefer to stay with us and frequently will break down in tears when I do drop off at dad’s. My new partner knows everything my ex did and hates him but doesn’t say anything to my child. My ex doesn’t do a great job patenting and his house is a huge mess constantly and he always had a near empty fridge, despite having a better paying job than mine.
My kid has recently told me of some troubling behaviour such as them always fighting, him punching things and getting very angry, my child being made to sleep on the couch, him sleeping in the same bed as my child, my child having nightmares, etc.
Whenever I hear of these things I spiral into a panic, worrying that he will do something to my kid. I’ve asked my child if he’s ever hurt them and they always reassure me no. The other day my child told me that their dad made them take adult dose of painkillers which really alarmed me. I don’t know if my ex ever drugged me but I am terrified.
My main priority has always been protecting my child which is why I have tried to be civil with him. No one who doesn’t know what happened would guess in a million years what he did because I really try to not show any distain for him in front of our child.
I have not taken any legal action for the sake of my kid. But I fear I am doing the wrong thing. My kid is seeing a child psychologist that also knows the full story but I am just constantly consumed with worry.
Any advice appreciated. Thank you.
TL;DR – My ex husband did some terrible and unforgivable things to me and I don’t know if I can trust him with our child.