Hey everyone and happy 2024,
As I (30F) am writing this, my husband(31M) is sitting on the sofa and waiting for me to tell him what he/we should do today, as we both have the day off. It made me think of everything that goes on between us, how it’s always me who suggests things, what to eat, where to travel, when to leave a party, what to watch… even when to have sex. And I’m exhausted.
I’m not even gonna go into daily chores, like emptying the dishwasher. He does it instantly when I tell him to do it, but why do I always have to tell him things? He should know by now to recognise how and when to do certain things. We don’t have any kids but I feel like my role is one of a mother in this relationship.
I’ll say in his defence: he does show me affection often and I can see that he cares for me deeply (e.g. he will regularly ask how I am and if I need anything, will care for me when I’m sick etc) but the fact that he’s so passive really irritates me and is frankly a turn off…I have told him this several times, but each time he’s like: “But when I do initiate things, you never like it…” or “You often don’t like my suggestions” but I still wish he would take the initiative more as I am sooo sick of this role that I’ve fallen into.
Is there a way to make him understand how frustrated this makes me feel? I don’t think he gets it even after being told this numerous times. I could really use some words of advice or encouragement.
Edit: I guess I forgot to mention that no, I don’t turn down nor criticise all his suggestions. In fact, he used to be more proactive and come up with all manner of activities for us to do, from new restaurants we should try to travel destinations. I think of those long gone days fondly, it’s just that he never or rarely suggest anything anymore. It’s all been reduced to him waiting for me to say what we’ll be doing, eating, watching etc. each day.
Edit2 because there is one person attacking me in comments: I am not waging any kind of psychological war on my husband, he is happy in our relationship and often says so. I like him as a person and we share a lot of interests and have similar values. Deep down I know he’s a caring person, but that doesn’t mean that his lack of initiative isn’t pretty hard on me right now, hence the post. He has gotten a bit lazy in recent times and perhaps a bit more sensitive than before. Many things could be contributing to that: perhaps he’s gotten a bit too comfortable in our relationship, maybe he’s become jaded, maybe it’s his job, maybe he loves me less – who knows. I don’t criticise everything he does, nor do I use mind games. I admit that I might have made things too easy for him, I’ll be working on that.