There’s so much pressure on me to not cum, not enjoy myself at all, until my girlfriend has cum. Basically all of (PIV) sex consists of me trying not to cum. Society has made me feel like I will be a disappointment if I enjoy myself. My girlfriend likes to be pounded, but I can’t do it for more than 20 seconds before I’m thinking of maths equations in order to stave off my orgasm. The only way I can last a bit longer is if she’s on top, but she doesn’t like to do it (too tiring, apparently. Yeah, it’s not as if what I’m doing is a walk in the park!). If I last long enough (maybe 10 minutes?) she can cum from PIV, but the only way for me to last that long is to, frankly, disassociate. Sometimes I just want to lose myself in the moment like she does, but I physically can’t do it. I feel like I have to be a robot. I want to cum and not feel guilty about it. I can go again with hands/fingers/mouth etc. for as long as necessary, but as my girlfriend prefers PIV, this isn’t usually received very well. It’s not my fault I have a refractory period and can’t get it up again immediately. I haven’t told her any of this yet, because how could I even explain it? I will talk to her about being on top, though. I can last a lot longer in that position and enjoy myself besides, but as of right now I’m talking about missionary/doggy/prone bone etc.
Is what I’m feeling normal? Do most women expect men to hold back and not enjoy themselves? How can I, as a man, lose myself in the moment and simply enjoy the experience and what I’m feeling without having to feel guilty about experiencing pleasure?
5 comments
This is something that you need to talk about and work through with your girlfriend to figure out ways that you can both enjoy yourselves
There’s nothing wrong with you and I totally get why you’re frustrated. You last what you last and as long as you’ve been willing to go on with hands or mouth like you said, you’ve been more than reasonable. What’s unreasonable is that you have to do all that just to last longer. That’s not enjoyable sex and like you said, you’re just being a sex robot for her. I think you guys may just be sexually incompatible. I’m frankly surprised you can keep it up with all that pressure on you.
I think you explained it pretty well here and I do think you need to talk to your girlfriend. Ask her for help with coming up with resolutions for this issue. I would maybe not lead with the fact that you’re starting to dislike sex because of this issue, but lean on things that will be positive in her mind – “you feel too good when we do it like this”, “you turn me on so much when you ask me to go harder” etc. Then explain that because you care about her enjoyment, you get caught up in your head trying not to cum too soon but this actually makes you not enjoy the experience so much.
I can’t talk for all women, obviously, but a discussion like that would leave me flattered. And, to be honest, one of the sexiest things my husband has ever done is cover my mouth and tell me the noises I was making was going to make him cum.
This is a big part of why I’m a strong advocate for cis men using strap-ons sometimes. They allow you to put the same hip-based thrusting power into fucking your partner, without the concerns you listed. You can always switch to PIV at other times in the session if both of you want that.
Getting her very close to coming before PIV starts may also help.
One possible avenue that you might pursue is to learn how to have multiple orgasms. There is a subreddit devoted to this: [https://www.reddit.com/r/multiorgasmic/](https://www.reddit.com/r/multiorgasmic/)
Another source for information is “ESO” by Dr. Alan Brauer and Donna Brauer.
Both sources provide information for how men can learn to have orgasms without ejaculation. Having such orgasms can enable you to maintain an erection longer.