Edit: Title is ‘traded up’
I’m a 24-year-old Indian man around 5’7 in height. I’ve never had a girlfriend before and not for lack of trying. It’s not like I have zero sexual experience, hooked up with 6 girls so far but I can’t ever lead any of them into a relationship. I mostly online date. I have issues related to my scrawny body and height but I have been going to the gym and working on myself so they’re not actively on my mind anymore. I don’t go around calling myself a nice guy or anything, I’m a flawed person and i accept that. But after 3 years of online dating, I still can’t find a girlfriend or experience a relationship.
Most of my dates don’t go past the third date. It’s actually a running joke in my mind right now that after having sex with a girl once it eventually doesn’t work out. Now I know what you’re thinking: This guy must be doing something wrong. But let me reassure you: It’s nothing on my part. I do my best to treat all my dates the best I can and courteously, that’s why they agree to further dates. I have never upset or done anything to make a woman hold resentment toward me, all of them wish me well and I have the text messages as proof saying so. Most of the time the reasons given after a first date are” I didn’t feel a spark” or you’re an amazing person but I found someone else or ” You’re going to make a girl very happy one day, but I’m not ready right now”. So no there are barely any mess-ups on my part. It just doesn’t work out despite me trying my best. Only one girl, also the girl I dated the longest (8 months) tried to blame me for why things went wrong. She had Anxiety and depression and i used to take care of her and try to help her through the issues. But she never took any responsibility for when she messed up and went no contact after 8 months even though we saw each other frequently. Reason? She found someone else and I didn’t take good enough care of her, even though I used to cook, take care of her during her episodes and she used to call me when she needed someone to talk to.
Anyway, dating has not worked out for me so far. All the women I’ve met or hooked up with keep reiterating the fact I’m a good guy and I’d make someone really happy someday. So then why don’t things work out with you? I feel like my only mistakes are being not white/not tall, I try to do everything else right.
Now I’m not expecting much empathy from this sub, I’m sure the comments will be about my self-pity and how I’m whining too much. I have seen the bias here many times, men barely receive any sympathy here. yes, let the downvotes come in. But to guys here who are in a similar position to myself and have gone through the same thing: I get you, it sucks, we have next to no support other than a little comfort from our friends. It’s hard discussing this with people without them judging you.
6 comments
They probably found out you watch anime
I’m making a big leap so bear with me – you sound like a very ‘polite, respectful dude’ but that should be the baseline imo. What are your passions / interests that you can share with women? I have a friend who is a **very** good looking dude but all he does is work and hang out at home. He has no interesting stories or experiences to talk about, he isn’t able to ‘hold the room’ and always kind of disappears in group settings.
He will get the occasional date because his face is very nice to look at but struggles way more than people would think because he’s ‘boring’. Not saying this applies to you but something to think about. ‘Spark’ is generally what draws women, and that usually means a passion for life that is infectious imo.
What do y’all talk about on your dates? Do you make them laugh, tease them a little? Any deep convos? There are reasons they don’t feel a connection with you. If you get judged instead of getting supportfor telling them your struggles then they are not your real friends. If you feel you’re not doing anything wrong, then it’s safe to assume that it’s their mistake and loss for skipping out on a decent guy
You’re polite and kind. Bare minimum it’s a requirement.
But can’t you look on the other side of this? That all these women are just not for you & not that you’re not for them?
They have a type, you’re not the type. Does this automatically mean you’re undesirable?
Don’t you have a type? If you do not choose a particular woman, should she assume that she’s suddenly undesirable?
Or would you want her to think that you guys wasn’t a perfect match, and that’s just okay too?
What do you normally do on your dates?
Have you been doing the same thing on all the dates?
Have you shared what you liked? Don’t things that they like?
Dating is a patience game. Play the game. Wait it out. It always works out in the end.
This sub loves to immediately leap to “you must be a boring nice guy” any time a man is struggling to find a relationship. As a fellow short scrawny South Asian who only recently started going to the gym, I know that you getting these dates is from having a good personality, so I seriously doubt that you’re a boring guy just coasting on his looks.
Firstly, that person you were with for 8 months, they were a user, so don’t consider that a failed situation, it was nothing to do with you.
As for feeling like you’re being “traded up”. Modern dating has most women dating multiple people at once, coming out at the top of that is a pretty difficult thing to do, particularly with racial politics in play (it’s no secret that South Asian males are the least desired romantically and the most negatively portrayed group in modern media).
The most useful advice I can give you isn’t one for relationships, because for that all I can say is keep going. What I think you should remember is your own value, and to not let your desire for a relationship allow you to be used and drained like that person you were with for 8 months.
Be someone better 🙂