My wife is one of the most intelligent, sweet and kind people I know. She has gone through a lot throughout her lifetime coming from a family of low socioeconomic background/poverty to our current life which is the complete opposite of that. Her mother even went through occasional bouts of spousal which my wife was luckily able to avoid (lived with other family members at that time). I think these difficult situations have created conditions and coping mechanisms that my wife struggles with today.
Over the past six months there have been significant changes in our life: we moved back to my hometown to be closer to my family and lay roots and she got her first full time position as a psychologist after finishing a PostDoc. We took these steps to start a family and build a life together. Anyone else might find this to be a position of strength and celebration but instead our relationship has become rocky.
Our issues:
1. My wife has started having a bit of maybe anhedonia? She doesn’t do anything hobby wise, interest wise. After nudging for a long time, I was able to push her to begin incorporating exercise but only after a severe amount of strain. It feels like she could and will just sit on the couch and watch YouTube 24/7. This is not new and actually something I’ve tried to help fight with since the beginning of the relationship. It doesn’t help that she is struggling with feeling accomplished at work or insecure that she’s helping her patients properly.
2. Friendships, my wife doesn’t really have any or work to gain them. She is used to a life of solitude but desperately wants friends now, she would love some girlfriends to get together with and cherish. I have introduced her to friends, repeatedly brought her to gatherings, but have never gotten her to really open herself up in those settings or had her take the next step to make deeper connections with my friend’s SOs. She has one friend from grad school but even then I feel like I am engaging the conversation more than she is (trust me I leave space in the convo for her). I think part of this stems from (1) where her anhedonia for activities or interests makes her not that interesting to others or keeps her self-esteem low or unable to relate to others. This makes me uncomfortable over time on double dates or other group settings.
Current situation:
We had a conversation about where we’re at as a couple and I realized that the way we’re floating is unhealthy and I needed my wife to make changes to stop the nonstop YouTube cycle and work on herself. I told her I was really concerned for her and our relationship if steps and changes did not occur.
Questions:
1. was it horrible for me to ask for this? I feel like I pointed out her biggest insecurities and insufficiencies, and asked her to work on them. It isn’t coming out of the blue from me, it has been discussed before but not this stark on my end for what it means for our relationship. I feel sick to my stomach.
2. Had anyone else went through this and have advice? I want to be a supportive husband through this and make it through but I’m so scared and tired. My biggest struggle is feeling all of this burden on my shoulders and needed to push her through it and feeling like there isn’t much from her end. If she was trying but failing I would be the happiest to help her along but I don’t have that. How do I recuperate?
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**TL;DR;** : wife struggling with mental health and interest in doing things other than watching YouTube videos/instagram (in my eyes avoiding life), and I’m struggling with the effects it’s having on her personal life and our relationship