Sorry if this is too long, I’ve separated it into bits to make it easier to read 🙂 !!
Whenever I search the internet on how to ‘stop’ being weird, I always get these answers of ‘just be yourself’ except, being myself is a disaster. It’s not that I’ve ‘just’ realised this but I’m starting to hate myself for this and try to not speak as much because I’m realising this is actually really bothering people honestly
My type of weirdness is where I’m asking and talking about the most weirdest and out of context things, but also 50% in a way where it’s because my friends barely talk so it’s only me who initiates almost every single question between us
The biggest issue is that I don’t have like ‘proper’ examples of how I speak because I always tend to forget what I talked about, yet I’m always able to remember how ‘weirded’ out they felt by me most likely at the end of the day before I sleep.
I feel like one big reason for this is probably due to the humour content I’ve been letting my mind consume through tiktoks and Instagram for years, yea they’re pretty fun but most of them are just straight up oh brother what the fuck is this bruh😭 except I’m like sooo desensitised to this ‘weirdness’ and would find it funny.
I’ve uninstalled TikTok but still kept Instagram to communicate with friends yet, Instagram reels are kinda the same as tiktoks anyways and I do happen to come across funny stuff there anyways (but it’s nothing racist, stereotypical, misogynistic or homophobic content, the things I find funny isn’t dark humour stuff at all incase any of you thought that might be it😭)
I have no issues making friends, I can make friends with anyone I wanted to and I’m a big extrovert, but as soon as I make a joke or talk about something out of context and realise nobody is saying much or not replying to me at all, it’s like I deflate and become so quiet and don’t speak until one of them hits me with the ‘are you okay you seem depressed’ comment.
I know I could just shut my mouth, and from there I could only respond to what people ask me about and to ‘carefully’ think about what I think before i speak, but it NEVER works. It’s so hard for me to shut up and it’s like I have to talk? Yet I don’t want to talk on the inside aswell? It feels like the equivalent of giving up a decade long nicotine addiction with no motivation of discipline and just expecting it to work but it doesn’t.
The whole cycle repeats itself and I can never snap out of this, I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember and I even feel bad for my other younger classmates having to put up with my weirdness just so that perhaps wouldn’t leave me out (I was aware of that but obviously I wanted friends so I wouldn’t have bothered them with that)
I also feel like nobody truly tries to understands how I feel, I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this specific issue but when I do tell my boyfriend, who is so lovely but, always responds with some stupid thing like oh well just be yourself it’s fine I love your humooour but of course he’ll never understand
I can’t think before I speak, I can’t even shut up. This is so absurd for me to say but it’s like I just want something horrible to happen to me so I can finally be quiet for once and to just never open my annoying mouth ever, but it feels so lonely, I just want some reassurance if someone has been like me and have been able to change themselves, has anyone been able to overcome this problem?