27F- my ex and I lived together for 1.5 years.
Most of the time, the sex was about him- it was the positions he wanted and liked, and I didn’t mind it so much because he’d told me when we first started dated how often he put his needs aside for his partners and didn’t enjoy BJs.
Now, the codependent in me was determined to help him heal this and learn to enjoy himself in bed and well, blow jobs too. So, hence how it became all about him.
Id ask him to do certain things during sex and he would but over time I hated having to keep ask- I mean he should know by then it’s what I liked, I wanted him to just go for it like I did.
I think he went down on me once. And it was the first time we slept together. Told me later I kind of tasted weird. 😔 I eat healthy too and take care of my body.
I went ABOVE and beyond for this guy. All his kinks I was willing to try and before him had NO BDSM experience. I did maybe most of them but it was like as soon as I started even being interested in trying even the weirdest ones he’d stop being interested. Wouldn’t bring it up anymore, and if we got the stuff for it, kept finding excuses why he didn’t feel like trying it. Lots of talk from him but not a lot of walking, basically. I was so confused.
I’d even told him before during some heartfelt discussions that I struggled to priories my pleasure and I felt guilt and like a burden and I needed his help in getting me off. He seemed receptive but when we’d have sex again, it was him finishing first then he was tired and he’d go off to shower while i laid them alone with my vibrator. Sometimes he’d stay if I asked him to but it felt like a chore, like he didn’t really want to. 😟
I finish quite easily tbh, as long as clitoral stimulation is involved and can even rub against him and finish myself off as they penetrate but he didn’t like the position I needed to do that, which was missionary.
I do enjoy masturbation and know what I need to finish. I love my body but I guess I still struggle with my self-esteem surrounding having sex with someone else again and being put aside again is kind of crushing me when I think about it. Like I’d just be expecting them to take care of themselves and leave me behind.
I feel like a burden, and even the guys before him would at least finish me off before they did.
How did you find your worth again? How did you find someone that consistently prioritizes your pleasure?
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I was in a similar relationship in my 20s so I can really relate to this post.
>How did you find your worth again? How did you find someone that consistently prioritizes your pleasure?
This might not be on the table for you to try, but I’m queer, so I had a couple of relationships with women, and that basically fixed the problem for me. Sex with women is so much more equal and a woman has never left me hanging without at least trying to get me off. I learned to get over my hangups around receiving pleasure.
They are rare, but there are men out there who get off on getting women off. Sleeping with a guy like that who genuinely puts you first could help you get over the hangups you developed from dating someone who damaged your sexual wellbeing and self esteem.
I had my share of selfish lovers. One being my ex husband for 10 years. He was my only at the time so I didn’t really know any different. In my single life post divorce I had some fwb and one night stands and what I learned from that is…it’s the man. They’re either selfish lovers or they aren’t. There are men out there who love love to please women sexually, it makes them confidence and feel good about themselves. I had a hook up one time who loved to eat pussy. That’s what he wanted to do. I was hesitant bc I really didn’t want to have sex and I worried he was manipulating me, but no, that’s all he did and was in heaven doing it and was ok with having no reciprocation. My boyfriend now, he loves it too. I asked him today actually what the sexiest part of sex was and he said watching me cum, he loves it.
I think open communication, even before sex helps, likes and dislikes, boundaries etc. Generally men will tell you who they are, but it’s up to us too listen. The best way to judge is that generally it’s starts as it tends to go on. For instance going down will happen the first time if it’s going to happen again, for longer than 5 seconds if it’s something they’re into. Generally you’ll know straight away if he likes to please or not.
There are absolutely men out there who will prioritize your pleasure, but you have to vet them out. Sexual compatibility is a delicate art