So, my ex-husband and I got our divorced finalised just over 2 months ago. We separated over 2 years ago, but the court proceedings got delayed due to COVID. We have twins aged 11, who stay with me during the week and him at weekends per a custody agreement. We’re on better terms than when we initially separated, but obviously aren’t close-close anymore.
To my knowledge, my ex-husband has been dating his new partner for around a year. He works at a hospital and she’s a nurse, so I assume that’s how they met.
When my ex-husband was dropping our kids off at my house last Sunday evening, he spoke to me about planning to introduce her to them soon. He went on to say that she’s going to move in with him later this year, so he’d like our kids to get to know her a bit first.
Honestly, I was kind of taken aback by this. At his suggestion, I added her on Facebook and exchanged messages. She seems nice enough, but it just feels really soon to begin introducing new partners. At the same time, now that we’re divorced, I’m conscious of not being perceived as being jealous somehow.
Any suggestions on what to do going forward would be appreciated; thanks for reading.
36 comments
Well, I would see no problem. The kids are 11 and are perfectly capable of understanding what is a separation. If they were much younger I would advise against it, for a while.
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The divorce was finalized recently but you’ve been apart for years and they’ve been together for a whole year. The kids don’t know what finalized or not means, to them you split years ago. You say new partner, but she’s not new and is this about when she meets the kids or when you realize and accept that the marriage is completely over.
That said, I do think it’s important for you to meet her first and speak with both of them about the kids and her role in their lives as well. You and your husband need to be on the same page and she needs to be on the same page, but your kids are old enough to understand what’s happened, and also that this isn’t a new mom. I think it’s important that you also present a strong front of being confident in being their mom. And the more they see you comfortable, the more they will be comfortable.
Title is definitely misleading. If we’re going off of just that, then yes, two months after the end of your relationship is too soon.
But that’s not the case.. you’ve been separated for *two years*, and him and his partner have been dating for *one year*. That is a good amount of time that they’ve been together and people usually start thinking about moving in with each other after that amount of time. The kids are also old enough now to understand everything that’s happening so you putting any putting any pressure on dad will show.
If you’re worried, let the kids meet the partner and then have a family meeting to talk about next steps.
I don’t see any problem. They’re clearly serious, they’ve been dating a year. You’ve been split up for two years. The significance of the divorce is more about you not being ready for him to be moving on, don’t project that onto your kids. It will be good for them to see dad happy and with someone. Now you need to do the same too.
It’s fine. The kids are old enough and they’ve been dating long enough.
From a legal standpoint, you get no opinion. Most standard custody agreements do not allow former partners to limit who the kids can be around during the former spouses parenting time. This is one you need to back off of, and have zero opinion on. Sorry.
Your title is misleading and manipulative, which lets me know quite a bit about the kind of person you are. The date on the paperwork doesn’t mean anything when you have been separated two years and the date is a result of clerical issues. You’re grasping at straws looking for ways to punish him and hurt him using your kids, and it’s a huge betrayal for a mother to treat her kids needs and emotional wellbeing a secondary to their own vindictive urges. If you put half the effort and thought you likely put into ways to make your ex miserable into being a good and effective parent and co-parent, you’d be doing a lot better.
You’ve been separated for 2 years, though, and they’ve been together a year. The actual divorce means nothing in terms of the emotional time that has gone by.
It doesn’t seem rushed at all. They’ve been dating a year. The two of you have been separated for 2. The kids are used to it by this point.
If you’re concerned, maybe you could meet up with them for the first time or before she meets the kids?
Honestly, his timeline has been very good, given he hasn’t rushed to introduce them to anyone he isn’t serious about. And they should meet her and form some type of relationship before she moves in.
It’s been 2 years. He’s not being unreasonable at all.
*Any suggestions on what to do going forward would be appreciated; thanks for reading.*
Nothing. Based on the scenario you described here, the kids are already accustomed to you and your ex living apart – the date your divorce was finalized is arbitrary and irrelevant to your kids who have been living with this state of affairs for two years (two years feels like a much longer amount of time to a kid than to an adult). He’s been seeing this woman for a year. You yourself have made clear that there’s nothing about her that causes you any particular concern.
Here’s another way to look at it – how long is long enough and what is your basis for deciding that? If you can’t articulate that, you really don’t have any business stopping this. There’s probably no amount of time that would make you comfortable with him introducing someone new to your kids, so unfortunately, you just need to find a way to deal with this.
Also, let’s say you tell him no. He says he’s going to proceed anyway. What exactly are you going to be able to do?
The kids will be so excited to get a new big sister.
Lmao ol’ girl is mad af her ex found a new lady
big questions
how does the kids feel about the divorce?
whats with the big age gap? 41 and 23/24
why are they even thinking of moving in together without the kids even having met the woman?
He is no longer your husband and he can do whatever he want, those kids are not only yours are also his
I’d say let it happen.
My dad introduced me to his partner a year after my parents divorce was “finalized” – but they had been broken up for 3 years at that point. I was 11 at the time.
Let me give you a BIG piece of advice – do NOT, under any circumstances, shit talk this new person in your children’s lives. My mom did that, and for me that made everything so much worse. Just let your ex-husband deal with it in a mature manner and be there to listen if your kids want to talk about it.
I’d also suggest having a conversation with your ex where you’re open and honest about what you’re comfortable with – but do not stand in the way, it will just make things more tense for everyone.
My ex had a new gf two months after we split, and introduced her to the kids two months later. You can’t really avoid it, and after he has been dating her for a year, it’s only fair.
They’ve been dating for a year and are planning on moving in together soon. how is that too soon? You’ve been separated for two years. Even though your divorce is only just now finalized it’s not like you were together until it was over.
These are tough things to deal with, but it is not too soon.
Its difficult, they’ve only been together a year, there is no way to know that they are serious or will last. I imagine that very anxiety inducing. You don’t want loads of yours or your ex’s new partners to meet your childeren.
How do your childeren feel? A lot of people are assuming they’re OK with the divorce.
I’d suggest actually meeting her and seeing them interact. Ask questions above the small talk. Ask the big questions about what she expects as a step parent and how she would be with the children ? You want to make sure everyone is on the same page since the twins are still very young, they’re still in their preteens.
There is nothing you can do about this.
You’ve been separated for 2 years. When the divorce was final may be soon for you, but as far as your kids are concerned the event occurred 2 years ago when you stopped living together.
She’s being nice and communicating with you. See if she and your ex would be willing to sit down and set boundaries about her picking them up and role in their world, but that is all there is. You have to be reasonable if shes going to be living there that there are times she will tell them to turn off the tv or pick up their mess and they will get mad at her, but they need to respect her. Flip side is that they need to get that she shouldn’t be picking up the kids without him until the kids are comfortable with her. If he’s gone for the weekend, can they stay with her? Things like that.
They have been dating a year, that’s a solid amount of time. He is planning on moving in together in the future and wants them prepared. He’s being reasonable.
Honestly, you should take a step back and be glad that he told you and that he’s found someone nice. A lot of divorces go a whole lot worse than this, and you are very fortunate your ex husband wanted you to know, and waited until after the divorce was finalized, he’d been dating the new person for a year, and he’d talked to you about it, instead of going ahead and having the kids meet her as soon as they started dating. I know it can be painful to feel replaced, and that you don’t know her, but your kids are old enough to tell you if she does anything to make you distrust her presence in their lives.
After all that re-evaluation, consider talking to both ex-husband and the gf about ground rules. Not just for consistency for the kids between households, but also for yourselves/each-other. Like, are you okay with the possibility of gf being an emergency contact for school? Further down the road, would you be okay with them calling her a title like “mom” or “mommy”? Talk about these things with them, away from the kids.
You had me in the title, but honey if you’ve been separated for two years, that’s been plenty of time. Personally I’d be uncomfortable if the relationship was brand new, but the fact that your divorce is recently final doesn’t really make a huge difference here (IMO) since you’ve been split up so long. There’s nothing really that you can do at this point.
Yes, it has only been two months since the divorce was finalized but it has been over two years since you two split. If not for Covid, your divorce would have been finalized a lot sooner. I would suggest asking your kids if they’re ready to meet his new girlfriend.
It’s kinda his right as it would be yours. The end.
Being divorced means giving up control of a LOT of things. Your opinion of this doesn’t really matter, I’m sorry to say. You’re going to just have to deal with the fact that he gets to choose who the kids spend time with when he has them.
It sounds like he’s waited an appropriate amount of time, a year is a decent period. And your kids don’t know the legalities of your divorce so the fact that it was final only 2 months ago is pretty irrelevant. You’ve been living apart for two years, so they’ve had that long to adjust to you not being together. It may feel fresh to you since the final papers are barely dry but they don’t see it that way and it’s probably a good idea for you to stop seeing it that way too.
It’s nice that you’re trying to be open and get to know her. Just keep doing that and get as close (or not) as you decide is comfortable. But don’t fight your ex about this because you’ll just come off as controlling and jealous. The bottom line is as long as she is nice to your kids, that’s all that matters. It’s a tough pill to swallow for sure, but that is divorced life with kids.
It would be ok if you were jealous, you know that right? Long term relationships are funny things, and all feelings don’t come to a logical and synchronous end.
But, if you are jealous and feeling this is too soon for you, you’re going to need to deal with that on your own terms, and separate it from your other potential concern, which is the affect on your children.
Given the introduction is inevitable, think about what you think will suit them best, and have a discussion with your husband about your concerns, and how he’s planning to ensure this is a positive experience for them. Whenever it starts to get tough you can remind each other that the goal is to make it work for them.
So you’ve been separated for two years, they’ve been dating for a year…the finalized divorce date isn’t relevant.
You need to learn to live with this unfortunately.
Unfortunately once your broken up you no longer have a “say so” …..try some reverse psychology with this man and try to get him to understand that it just might be too soon for the children & please allow some time. Remind him that people never forget their childhood so consider them as it’s a hurtful transition for them already
1. Ask him if he’s met her family and what type of people they are…
2. Is she caring…
3. does she cook and clean
4. Does he see a future with her or a fling because he shouldn’t involve the kids in what feels good at the moment
5. Has HE SPOKE with the kids one on one regarding him moving on and analyzed if they are emotionally ready
Just been through a similar situation so my advice would be to talk to your kids about their dads new “friend” and see how they feel about it. If they are comfortable about meeting her then you have to put your feelings aside and deal with that separately to how your kids feel about it. If the kids are uncomfortable or not ready then that’s the only reason to postpone a meeting.
What would be reasonable would be sitting do with your ex and his GF and hashing out parental roles, expectations, roles and responsibilities, emergency contacts, and boundaries. You get some time to get to know her and feel comfortable with the understanding the three of you build around parenting the kids you and your ex share. To be clear, she shouldn’t have much of a parental role at all, unless you and more importantly the kids are comfortable with it, and that lakes years. Then let him introduce her when he feels it’s right. Listen to the kids, trust them, and do what they ask.
Anything beyond that is a bit controlling. You two have been separated for 2 years. The divorce finalization date is merely a formality. You would hope that when you find someone new, your ex would extend the same courtesy to you wouldn’t you? Set the precedent now.
You may need counseling to help get over the divorce. This all sounds reasonable from an outside perspective. I don’t mean counseling in a condescending way, it sounds like he has moved on and you for some reason have not.
Introducing kids to a romantic partner after dating for a full year seems reasonable. It’s good that he wants to give the kids time to get to know her before she moves in, too. He also talked to you about it first, which shows respect for you as a co-parent even though you’re divorced. If you can afford therapy, it sounds like it would be worth exploring your feelings about the divorce and his new relationship, as well as why this may have caught you off guard.
No