Hello,
First off, I am not familiar with reddit all that much so sorry if this topic is out of line, I have seen some subreddits don’t allow opinion based questions (unless I misunderstood what it meant).
So, I may give some background to my situation. (TLDR at the end)
I (35M) am married to my (35F) wife since 15 years, we have a kid.
We basically grew up together and had lots of good and bad moments but I always loved her to the bottom of my heart and was happy with her except for the lack of intimacy. Overall it did not happen often (dozen times a year, which is what I would have wanted per month) but she was absolutely adorable and fantastic in those moments. Besides we also had 4 major “breaks” she initiated in our life, each lasted more than a year and during those times we had a platonic relationship (Very tough for me).
Long story short she finally left me for good because I had an affair during the latest break she initiated.
I told her I was sick and sad of these break ups. She was jobless, depressed and asked me to seek intimacy elsewhere if I was unhappy in our marriage. I tried to support her during the years her depression lasted, worked a lot to keep us afloat and told her I did not want to because I loved her. She insisted, rejected me several more times for several months, I told her I would end up cheating despite not wanting to, because I felt just way too lonely (I wanted some hugs at least) to which she replied she understands but still does not want to comfort me.
So I gave up, cheated for physical and mental relief, I came back to her, told her what happened, we got back together and were having good times for a while until she talked about it to her friends who thought I was a horrible person for doing this, my wife thought about it for a while and decided to leave me definitively, told me all kind of reasons and finally said if I did not cheat she may have not broke up entirely.
Honestly I don’t know what to do to save my marriage, I did not want to tear my family appart and I regret hurting her but I take responsibility for my actions. She told our kid that we won’t be getting back together ever this morning, I had to leave the house, so this time it seems there is no coming back. I want either a good reason to hate myself or a good reason to forgive myself but I need to move forward either way and I would like to hear advice on how to get back on my feet or save the situation.
(I would also like to hear if what I did was clearly out of line or not but I don’t know if it is allowed to ask opinion on this subreddit.)
TLDR : 15 year long marriage (we got a kid) between me (35M) and my wife (35F) is ending because I had an affair during the break up she initiated. After a handful of similar year long break up I told her I could no longer bear it and may end up cheating, she said it was ok to do then changed her mind after we got back together and is now breaking up for good. Any advice to save my marriage or at least move forward? (Would also like to hear opinions about my actions, if that is allowed to ask here?)