I want to be brief in explaining this. I’ll try not to give a general, exhaustive history, although it would probably help.
My husband is inconsistent. He has a problem with one thing, I find a solution. He had a problem with my creative work spaces in the apartment. So I found a studio. Problem solved. Also, I’m a neat freak, and he’s a slob. Yet, when he’s in a bad mood, he’ll take it out on me by pointing out everything he wants done that I’m not doing. And then later on, he won’t even do that very thing himself (like empty the strainer).
We keep our finances separate and anyway, my grandmother is helping me with the rent. He’s mad that I got a studio for myself. He resents the fact that my family can help me (and us!) with money, but his can’t. He’s claimed he’s jealous.
Also, by a major stroke of luck, without anyone getting hurt, I got my family inheritance from the sale of my grandmother’s condo early. I used it for us for a downpayment on our current condo. So, he’s basically getting as much money as I do. My family isn’t rich. They give both he and I the same amount of money on our birthdays and Christmas.
I work one day a week from home when he’s home. He has a problem with my desk being in the basement. So I move it to the guest room. He has a problem now with me using the guest room. So I tell him I’ll move it back to the basement (which I’m cleaning out by myself, mind you). He says no, he’s going to start using the basement all of a sudden, when it’s organized (mind you, again, he has no intention of organizing it with me. It’s something I have to find the time to get done myself, and THEN he’ll start “using” it).
I’m so exhausted with the inconsistency and his unhappiness with everything I do. I’m tired of his resentment and jealousy regarding my family’s financial status (which again, is average. They are middle class).
I feel like I’m having to change my actions and behaviors according to how he feels day to day, and his unhappiness in a given moment. If I’m not chipper and loving and amazing and coddling all of the time, he can very easily take a simple statement, or me saying, “I don’t have the time or focus to chat right now,” personally.
I feel emotionally exhausted. I also feel like it’s me. Like I’m just this crazy person making a big deal out of something. I can’t help but feel like he may be a covert/vulnerable narcissist, super-sensitive to criticism and very much prioritizing his own perspective and feelings at the expense of mine. But I also don’t want to believe this and have it destroy our marriage. Like I don’t want to succumb to a diagnostic delusion. I know “narcissist” is thrown out a lot these days, but I’m in the mental health field. I also feel like this consideration comes with a whole history, and doesn’t yeild just from these few incidences mentioned.
I also feel like my frustration is causing me to become bitchy, and making me feel like an irritable and abusive person. It doesn’t feel healthy for me. I’m having a really hard time seeing if I’m the problem—or if I am actually suffering from his unhealthy behaviors.
We have been in couple’s therapy for years, and some things are better, but a lot of stuff doesn’t seem to click. I feel like I’m just at my wit’s end. And I’m also very concerned that the problem is me, in which case, if so, I have a lot of work to do.
I guess I’m just looking for perspective here.