My (34f) husband (35m) holds sex in a really high regard. He says he needs it to feel connected to me, and that’s how he sends and receives love. I told him I’m not quite the same, and I receive love in different ways (cuddling, spending time together, talking, etc). If we go a week or two without having sex, he will start to become agitated and aggressive towards me (and at his life in general), and will start to question our marriage as a whole. He will tell me that I’m not giving him what he needs, and that he feels unloved and uncared for and that I don’t appreciate him. Fair enough. We all have different love languages. *However*, when we get into arguments (even ones not related to sex), he will start to say things like “men are only nice to woman to try and have sex with them”, and that “if I’m not fucking him, then he doesn’t want to pay our household bills anymore because then I’m just like a roommate and we should start splitting things evenly down the middle”. He will turn sex and our love making into something that makes me feel flat out used by him because of his narrative surrounding the topic. I explained to him that I need to feel certain things towards him in order to desire him sexually, and the way he’s acting and the words he’s saying is actively doing the opposite. He says things like “I’m simple, fuck me and I’ll want to be nice to you and do nice things for you”. Then when I get aggravated by this, he will say “sorry I’m attracted to my wife and you turn me on!” like I should feel guilty for having the disgusted reaction that I do. Then he will complain that I “sold him fake goods” because we used to have sex a lot more frequently at the beginning of the relationship and it has since dwindled down. Am I in the wrong here? My husband thinks of sexual intimacy *way* differently than I do, and it makes me believe it’s the only thing he truly cares about in the marriage and I’m nothing to him if I don’t open my legs. I’m trying to dissect this and I need help.
TL;DR: My husband kills my sex drive with the way he thinks and talks about sex when we are fighting and then gets mad at me for not wanting to engage in it with him. Looking for advice.
UPDATE: This post received *way* more attention than I ever could have imagined, and I’m thankful for that, because it proved to me that what I am experiencing is not normal and I’m not overreacting. I read through all of the comments, and a lot of people were team “fuck him”, which made me feel validated, but I also wanted to thank the people that shared another perspective. That was the point of me making this post to begin with. I wanted to see if I could view this situation from a different angle and maybe try and understand why my husband would act this way or say these things. There’s *a lot* of background info that I did not add and cannot add, due to my safety being put at risk if my husband reads this post. He has gotten angry in the past when I come to Reddit for advice and it always results in him acting way more aggressive towards me in the end because he never likes or agrees with the advice I receive. I also have 3 children that I need to protect. Regardless, I’ve been trying very hard to salvage this marriage, give him the benefit of the doubt, try and view things from his perspective, and not be so stuck in my own ways. I wanted to truly see if I could turn this specific situation around instead of going with my instinct gut reaction on how it made me feel. I haven’t spoken to him much yet since this occurred, but I will try and update again once I do. Thank you again for everyone’s support and advice. Wish me luck.