I guess we really need to have certain experiences in life so we can tell the difference between what we want and what we think we want.
I always used to get lonely every now and then and think I wanted a partner. Someone to introduce to my parents, someone to go everywhere with. Someone who would be with me when I hang out with my friends.
But aside from doing a thing or two with her family, I always thought of this hypothetical girlfriend as an asset rather than a human being. Something to make my life more fun. I guess I sort of just assumed that, well, my life IS fun, so sharing it with her would be fun to her too. And as far as that goes I think it’s reasonable, there’s nothing that stops someone from thinking you have a fun life and wanting to be a part of it.
So I’ve been dating around for years and over those years, I have met two women who really, really liked me, one of which I had been dating up until a few weeks ago. They really wanted something exclusive on the long term (although I am not sure they could’ve sustained it, as they seemed rather emotionally dependent, but that goes beyond the point.)
While these women were really sweet, the whole thing with them felt completely suffocating. I always got this feeling like…”so, is this not gonna end? Like, ever?”
It feels so much more fun to enjoy something for limited time…before it gets serious. Owing some of my time to another person, owing concern to them, that’s just a struggle to me. I had a hard time pretending to care about them when they told me about their day.
I might sound like a womanizing dick, maybe. People like long term relationships and I respect that. But I don’t like that dynamic and it took me a while to realize that.
I don’t see happy couples the same way I used to. I don’t envy them anymore which is good. It feels weird and uncomfortable to think about having a woman beside me…if I think about it in third person, it’s just strange having this person seek companionship in me. It’s just not right.
I hear people talking about the good things in a long-term relationship and I can’t help but think, I don’t want any of these things. I dread becoming intimate with someone. I love having these things I keep to myself. I never felt anything that good sharing intimate things with a woman. I don’t care about that.
A lot of this may sound like some nonsense, but I had to type it out somewhere. I’m still making sense of a lot of things. But I definitely am not who I thought I was.