I dated a girl for two years that I didn’t realize was really abusive. She would threaten me by saying she would leave me if I didn’t meet her needs. For example, after my brother died in March of 2023, I was really sad, and after the funeral, I squeezed the inside of her thigh jokingly to get that ticklish reaction. She said she hated that, and if I ever did that again, she would find herself another man, who would meet her needs and not do stuff like that. In December of 2022, she started a fight with me during my gradmas funeral. She stated she was feeling neglected, and I just said, “Someone died.” She went into a big rant that made the situation all the worse.
A similar episode happened in May of 2021. One time, she was really upset. I tried talking nicely to her, and she said I treated her like one of my patients (I am a doctor). I was just trying to convey my side while also acknowledging hers. She said it sounded overly professional. I don’t know what that means. When I sought out other people’s advice. I told her other people said she was wrong. She said, “I don’t care what other people think! I care what I feel!”
She is a family friend and knows my mother and father really well. I am close with my family and often ask them for advice on things. She told me to stop talking to my mom and dad about us. She didn’t want them to know about troubles in our relationship.
Anyways in February of 2023, we had a pregnancy scare. She said she would lie to my parents, say she had an affair, and leave the city with my child to raise it by herself. Turns out she wasn’t pregnant. Thank God.
The last straw was her friend was disloyal to her husband, and their whole girl friend circle lying to the husband, and covering for the friend seeing another man. They said he deserved it because he wasn’t meeting her needs. So I told him, and I broke up with her.
Anyways, she reached out to me this month and asked how things were. I just exploded, I think, because I repressed all the mean things she did. It was like 12 long texts. I highlighted how she was a selfish person and was so happy I never had a kid with her because I couldn’t even imagine how miserable she would make me and that child. I told her to get medicated and to leave me alone. Then, I told her to delete my number.
My mom occasionally talks to her, and she said she was crying. Was I wrong to tell her these things?
8 comments
“Was I wrong to tell her these things?”
Nope, it’s good that you did.
No, not at all, you finally got to let all your frustrations out. And maybe now she will realize she needs to work on herself. 🤷🏻‍♂️ I guess I don’t know how long it’s been since the break up so might have been able to go a little easier. But she put you through hell, even during the funerals it had to be about her. I was happy to see you told the husband and then left her. I was that person, the husband that was getting cheated on and the people that knew acted like my friends.
I’m surprised you lasted this long.
Venting is fine to an extent, and if your ex really cried because of it that’s her problem. But just keep in mind that a victim of an abusive and/or toxic relationship can’t explain their abuser into finally understanding what they’ve done wrong. Now that you’ve vented, you need to take steps to move on to a better, healthier future.
Does your mother know the extent of what she put you through?
I don’t think you’re wrong for finally getting it off your chest, I do however feel like the best thing you could have done was just simply not respond & blocked her number.
Nope, I think like you said the dam burst. Now block her and never speak to her again. Most people that live like that don’t realize they are that abusive. They justify what they say and do. Bullies are the worst at calling victim when pushed.
I don’t think there is a wrong or right with your question. If you feel better, you did right by you. If you feel crappy you did wrong.
I will say that while I do think she at the very least had abusive tendencies, some of your relationship behaviour is also problematic. I think it’s very likely you shouldn’t have been having those discussions with your parents, if it works out this are her future inlaws but they are also people close to her, you should probably ask someone with more distance. Your “professional” voice is probably both that you were trying to avoid a fight and she found it impersonal. Unsure why you were grabbing your gfs thigh when you were sad after the funeral for your brother, that seems like a less than helpful impulse (she’s close to your family, she was probably sad as well)…her saying you were neglectful during a funeral is incredibly self centred of her.