Hey guys, I am having kind of a recurring problem which leads me to thinking negative about myself like a spiral.
Some backstory: I (28) consider myself as a bisexual man. Have been in a LTR with a women for 6 years and broke up 2 years ago. Ive had my first time sex with her. It always has been complicated, as she didnt like sex that much, she even didnt like talking about it and I was kind of a people pleasing person and didnt had the nerves to leave her, as I still was in love with her. So Sex happend really really rarely.
She was my first one, I did do love her and other parts of the relationship were perfectly fine (at least I thought about it that way at this point) The last two years of our relationship no sex happend. At the same time I did pursue solving the problem, buying toys, suggesting visiting a sex therapist, communicating about stuff we like to make it enjoyable for her etc.
A couple of months before we splitted I had my inner outing and accepted myself and told her: I think I am bisexual. And I told her we need to get things straight because I cant stand our sex life anymore. She blaimed me for being seretly gay, she didnt enjoy sex the first 3 years in our relationship and also wasnt happy about my body (I was overweight at the time). I was really hurt and after couple of months we splitted. Throughout our relationship sex was a difficult topic and always a negative one. I think because of all the rejections over the years I became kind of insecure. At the same time I did pursue solving the problem, buying toys, suggesting visiting a sex therapist, communicating about stuff we like to make it enjoyable for her etc.
I kinda changed a lot since then: wearing different clothes, started college, new friends , new city and stuff and everything turned to the better. I made first encounters with men and was happy to feel myself confirmed as I liked being with men as much as I liked it with women. So this was a huge step for me.
Now lets explain the problem: everytime I was with men I lost my erection as soon as it got the point of anal penetration. Same happend when I was with couple (mf) which happend two times, I always had problems keeping it up. I thought maybe I am what people call a “side” (someone who is neither top or bottom) but I do get sometimes the urge to be a top or a bottom – depending of the guy. Jerking off and oral is no problem (but also my head is still full of thoughts). When it comes to women I need to confess that I am not dating them since the breakup, because just the thought of being intimate with them in bed makes me feel kind of restless and anxious. I do feel attracted to them as soon as I start kissing them, which happend couple of times quite spontaneous on partys etc. but as soon as I think of getting further steps I feel unsafe. I had dated one girl like three times and when she wanted sex I freaked out and left. Same thing with men, I am really nervous before hook ups and thinking about problems like: what if my dick is too small, what if I am too fat (lost 20 kg after breakup and I am just a bit chubby but people say they think I am really attractive) and most important: what if i loose my erection.
I do think that high body standards, fear of rejections and unrealistic sex out of porn are part of the problem..
I would love to get some words of you guys, how did you overcome these problems? I think communicating my fears before intercourse could make things more easy but this seems kind of a sex killer if I do it to people I am dating? like before the first time we want to get intiminate? How can I swith of my head during sex, just feel the tension and being more present with my body?
What are your thoughts? I am interested in female and male views on this. 🙂