I am male (35) and my wife is (33). We have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years.
When we met, I told her she would be my wife and I’d take care of everything and she could focus on rebuilding her credit- to which I did and she did. We got married year 6, destination wedding in Ocho Rios Jamaica. Our sex life used to be great. But it took a swift decline once she started nursing school. I had finished my masters and was enrolled in phd program and I dropped out due to her saying that her dream was to go to nursing school. I couldn’t support us with working and going to school, so I dropped out so I could support our home while she attended school.
While she was in nursing school, she became, cold, distant, rude and nasty- WAY worse than she was before. At least before if she blew up and told me I wasn’t shit, she would apologize, seem remorseful and try anything to make it up to me. While she was in nursing school, it became a nightmare. I slept more on the couch in those 2 years in our home than in the bed. She completely abandoned me emotionally, physically, and it was all allegedly due to the circumstance of nursing school. Asked me to be patient. Supported all through nursing school while not receiving any love in my language in return.
We have sex maybe 15 times a year. There’s always been conditions that needed to be met for her to “want” to engage with me. Those conditions have ranged from disliking specific sheets, finishing nursing school, buying a house, having specific furniture, asking for more things in her love language- which are in the order, 1. Gifts, 2. Acts of Service, 3. Words of Affirmation. I showed her with all three.
My love languages are 1. Physical Touch, 2. Quality time, 3. Gifts. My wife does not touch me. She used to touch me. I’ve been touch starved for the last 3 years. Down to even our living room furniture has the storage dividers between the reclining seats, so there’s been no cuddling on the couch. She no longer holds my hand, she doesn’t touch my face, she doesn’t kiss me. There’s no intimacy. I’ve been beyond depressed. It started to get really hard for me that I contemplated stepping out on my marriage, so I removed myself from social media. I set boundaries for myself because I do love my wife. I desire/crave my wife as much as the first time we made love, but I feel like I deserve to be loved in my language just like she demands love in hers. I’m tired of feeling worthless due to her dismissing my feelings and shouting divorce every time I try to talk about my feelings.
I’ve pushed past not receiving what I need to show up for her. I’ve made so many sacrifices for her, and she has taken and taken and made excuses every time that I have asked for reciprocation, she blows up and curses me out, tells me I’m not much of anything and she wants a divorce. She will not even acknowledge that I’m hurt!
I’ve done so much for her, but she has not reciprocated. We tried couples therapy before, but of course she stopped going because she already “knew the issue” but the reality was she didn’t care for the level of accountability that came from the therapist. She said she would go to therapy alone, and yeah she went, but she didn’t take it serious and told the therapist what they wanted to hear. She didn’t work on anything.
I took therapy seriously. I worked on my patience, my understanding, but I do not deserve this.
Fast forward, last week I left week several days early trying to spend time with her. She blew me off because she was working on a personal project. I broke down and just said I quit. All of the conditions, remembering that she does not reciprocate love in my language and every time I try to address my needs, it’s always “I want a divorce” as the response. This year for her birthday, in November, she sat across from me at dinner and told me how I was the best thing that happened to her, that I showed her potential and gave her an opportunity to fulfill dreams she never thought she would achieve. Thanked me for supporting her all this time. Only to come home and she slept wrapped on the opposite side of the bed. No embrace, no good night kiss, no love making. It’s like in her sugar daddy roommate. This is what it’s like.
We had sex earlier in the month of November and it felt like a chore, like she was doing it just because I asked. Which I always have to, she doesn’t initiate sex.
I take care of majority of the bills, we have no kids. Just two dogs, (recently we adopted a puppy from the shelter). I take care of the stuff for the house, groceries, majority of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and grooming of the dogs etc. I just want to be loved by my wife in my language but I’ve reached a breaking point with the emotional abuse. I know I deserve better, but I love my wife and am struggling disconnecting. I’m lonely, I’m tired. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of being wanted and desired by women and I only want my wife, but she doesn’t want me. She likes the amenities and the appearance of having multiple diamonds rings, a husband that picked up additional debt for her to pursue her dreams while I halt mine, a purchased home, to literally want for nothing. And all I ever ask for is physical touch, quality time- the shit that don’t cost money! And she just refuses.
We haven’t spoken for the last few days. New Year’s Eve, I got dressed and wanted to have dinner with her, I asked if I was going to bring the new year alone. She told me “you seem Like you already had plans and you should go do them, tomorrow is just another day and I haven’t been speaking to you, so why would this be any different?”
I came inside and tried to talk to her. I broke down and I asked her how does she think this makes me feel as a human? The fact that she can take, and take everything I provide for her, but then I’m wrong for seeking reciprocation. She started crying and told me that she doesn’t like me, that she doesn’t like touching me and sex is a chore. Anytime I tried to speak, she started talking shit trying to get a reaction, I just walked away. This is what our communication consists of. She doesn’t listen and then try to resolve the issue or come to a compromise, she blows up, gets loud, rude, nasty and talks shit.
This all has me in a terrible place mentally and emotionally. I’ve given her all of me and my cup is finally empty. Idk what to do.
I didn’t get married to divorce. But something has to give.