My (32f) fiance (33M) does not want a wedding of any kind. No elopement, no ceremony, no rings exchange, no vows, nothing. I’ve always wanted a traditional medium sized wedding but I’ve compromised to doing an elopement with just my parents present. He refused. So I compromised again and said let’s just do the paperwork like he wants then go to dinner with the four of us and celebrate. He refused. Then I said okay let’s just do the paperwork and dinner with the two of us and then get some pictures of the two of us and maybe do a party or something with family a few months from now. He refused. I just want to make it special, it’s important to me and I’ve expressed that to him and he will not compromise on anything. We’ve been together for 8 years so it’s not as if we don’t know each other well. I am really starting to rethink getting married and even staying in this relationship, but he says I’m “being bratty”. Am I putting too much importance on this? Anyone else just do paperwork and call it a day and not regret it?
Edit to add: He just wants to do paperwork and make it legal. He doesn’t want a ceremony or fanfare of any kind. He doesn’t have family he wants to invite and I’m very close to my family and want to have them at something. He also wants to focus on saving money and not spending it on a wedding.
Also, thank you for all of the time everyone has taken to leave thoughtful replies to this post. It’s really helping me reflect on the situation and I appreciate the responses.
45 comments
Is he even actually open to the paperwork?
Sure sounds like he is just your bf, not your fiancé. He has no interest whatsoever in getting married. Sure seems odd it has taken 8 years to discover that he will not ever really be your fiancé.
Sorry
You want to celebrate your marriage, he wants to be over and done with it. I would look at your relationship overall and ask yourself if this is a hill you need to die on or if this is just the next in a long line of things he doesn’t seem to care about even though they’re valued and/or important.
I can understand if he was just refusing a ceremony.. but even refusing paperwork + dinner just doesn’t make sense!
Are you sure he even wants to get married? He knows you aren’t going anywhere considering you have been engaged for 8yrs and put up with it 👀
You should have re-thought the relationship a long time ago.. a man not even willing to bend a little bit to make you happy – are you sure this is a husband you want?
You are not being bratty. Marriage/relationships are a compromise where you work together. Even though you’ve stressed what’s important to you, he’s not willing to budge. That’s disrespectful to your desires. Are there other areas in the relationship that it’s similar?
The fact that you’re questioning marrying him tells you that his stance really bothers you because he’s not putting you first, which is selfish on his part. It’s like he just wants a paper marriage and nothing more. You didn’t describe the rest of your relationship. I hope there are multiple other areas where he does respect and supports you.
Damn imagine having to wait 8 years to find out your bf doesn’t want to marry you.
Id rather waste 8 years on a person than 8 years and 3 months, or 9 years 6 months, or 10 years….you get the idea.
He’s not your finance, so you can stop thinking that way. Fiancé means a person engaged to be married. Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to get married? It seems that you have a lot to think about bc you both want different things.
Not wanting a big ceremony with all the expense and trouble is one thing but absolutely refusing is a whole level of self-centered. Most men would happily jump through the hoops for their fiancé because it’s what she wants and they want to do it for her. He doesn’t seem to want to be bothered with any effort which is troubling so early in a relationship.
Can you really call him a fiance at this point? Do you have an engagement ring?
No. There’s something seriously wrong with this boy hit the brakes & figure this out.
Wow. He’s not compromising at all. Not willing to work with you. Not willing to give you even a sliver of a celebration that cements your love and commitment. Why might that be?
And honestly, if this is how he is about lots of things you want and that are important to you then you aren’t right for each other.
Yes, this is a perfectly valid reason to break up.
He doesn’t care about your happiness…and he doesn’t want to be married to you.
Not even dinner? Jeez, I would do a dinner to celebrate almost anything…I do dinner for the sake of nice food.
His refusal shows you exactly how he feels. Leave him and go and find someone who will share in joy and not destroy it.
No offense intended but it doesn’t sound like you guys are actually engaged. As in engaged-to-be-married as this guy seems it have no intention of getting married. I don’t think you should waste more of your time. Lots of people find their permanent life partner shortly after ending a long term relationship. So much personal growth happens over the course of your relationship and in the process of deciding who you are, what you want, and what you’re willing (and unwilling) to compromise. I think you can be happier alone or with someone who wants the same things you do.
He’s not your fiancé he doesn’t want to marry you. He bought you a shut-up ring to buy more time. Your boyfriend is pretty sure you’re not going anywhere. He’s gotten eight years out of you. If you want to get married you should move on.
Your post made me so sad. You keep making yourself smaller and smaller to try to accommodate him. Any man who loves you and wants to marry you would be proud to celebrate your union, even if it is just in a simple way.
Honestly, I think you are putting way too little importance on his behavior.
Take the hint, he doesn’t want to marry you.
So everything is his way and nothing is your way at all and YOU are the one being bratty?
He doesnt wana get married. My guess is you were talking about getting engaged, to “shut you up” he proposed.
I wana know the details of how you got engaged.
Did he half-ass it? Put effort in? Ect.
So he doesn’t want to do something simply because it would bring you some joy?
What’s the point of someone who doesn’t want to see you happy?
Stop compromising and just leave. He won’t change his mind and you are doing damage to your self esteem.
I was in the same situation – I compromised on so much I lost myself in the process trying to fit into the mold to get him to do something… anything.
Leave now. He doesn’t care about your feelings about this wedding which IMO is abusive.
Why did you say yes to him asking… or did you ask him?
Apparently he has very strong feelings about this and will not compromise. Is he like this about other occasions, like birthdays? If you have an otherwise good relationship and both actually want to get married then I wouldn’t let this be the issue that breaks you apart, but I would think about how he reacts to other things that are important to you and whether he’s willing to compromise and do things that matter to you but not him occasionally.
How much compromise do you get in this relationship? Might be something to think about. He sounds like a jerk.
Wake up, sweetheart. He DOES NOT want to marry you.
Sounds like he’s really not interested in getting married. At all.
He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s not your fiance, just BF.
I’m sorry but he doesn’t want to marry you. He’s too chicken shit to say it.
I don’t think he wants to get married friend. You deserve to have whatever wedding you want, especially because you’re not asking for much. Please don’t settle for the scraps he’s giving you. You deserve better.
I’d leave over this, for sure.
You wasted 8 years on this mf, don’t waste another.
Ask him why he proposed if he doesn’t want to get married.
He doesn’t want to marry you. Read your own post. 8 years and still refused to marry you. He gave you an engagement ring with no intention to marry you.
Does it do this a lot, meaning he’s only willing to do something important together only if it’s done on his terms? Think back over your 8 years together, and think about all the times you’ve been forced to give up what you want in order to get him to agree to something. If it’s happened often, then perhaps you need to understand that this isn’t about a wedding, it’s about always having to put yourself second in order to put him first.
Him refusing to compromise and then disparaging you when you express your feelings is a huge red flag. I know you’ve dated him for 8 years, but why waste another 8 years on someone if they don’t actually care about making you happy for something that really matters to you.
He doesn’t want to marry you.
He doesn’t want to marry *you*.
You have to figure out if you want to live like this for the rest of your life, or not.
>he says I’m “being bratty”
Oh, you’re not the special snowflake here.
What was his compromise? That you get the privilege of marrying him at all?
OP if you have the courage I think you should ask your partner why he wants to marry you.
I say this because marriage is a big deal. It carries a lot of meaning in most cultures that I’m aware of both symbolically and legally.
Wanting to be your husband, wanting to build a life with you, to share everything life throws at you, the good and the bad, to dream together to grow together…
Marriage has so much depth and meaning that I don’t think a person should enter into it lightly or begrudgingly. If it’s something they want to do they should be excited about it.
But your partner’s attitude has all of the excitement of going to the dentist for a root canal.
The fact that he seems to care so little about it AND care so little about your feelings about it and finding a compromise that makes you happy gives me pause.
That’s why I said I think you should ask that question because it sure seems to me like he isn’t that interested in marrying you and is only doing this because he thinks that he has to, and you deserve better than that.
He’s not your fiancé. You both want different things. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But it sounds like it’s a matter of when, not if, this relationship implodes. Compromise is great, but if you completely do away with your wants and needs it’ll lead to immense resentment down the line. Why did he propose if he didn’t want to get married? Or did you propose?
He doesn’t want to marry you, but I bet you take care of all his needs like a second mom, cook, maid, & regular sex until he may or may not find “the one” one day.
Ask yourself this one question, Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship that sounds like sucking the life and soul out of you?
Weddings are supposed to be joyful celebration with family, the entwining of two people. He really doesn’t sound like husband material, more like he wants the legal status in case you decide to divorce. He’ll get half of everything that is yours.
Why would you even WANT to marry an asshole like this? You need psychiatric help.
Why are you the only one who has to make a sacrifice here? He won’t even compromise with you. What if you have children? Does he get to decide everything? You need to ask yourself these questions. You have made yourself so small just to keep him, is he really worth that?
You are willing to compromise and he isn’t. He sounds like he doesn’t care about what you want or compromise.
The fact that he has nobody he wants to invite is odd to a little ceremony/elopement. He has no friends?
Dear OP, you are not being “bratty” or demanding or whatever else he’s trying to tell you. This is important to you. It is important to at least have your parents there. It is important to you to celebrate with love and affection and acknowledge this special day. Compromise is:
Him: I don’t want a big wedding.
You: Okay, we’ll go to the courthouse with two – TWO other people who are very important to me, and have a dinner at Denny’s/Burger King/Olive Garden/wherever to celebrate.
That’s you comprising (e.g., giving up whatever dream wedding you had in mind). His compromise should be, okay, great. No big wedding just your parents and us at the courthouse and a celebratory dinner afterwards.
Compromise is not about making yourself smaller & smaller.
1. Evaluate his past actions re: birthday, holidays, anniversaries, etc.
2. Evaluate how he really feels about your family & the fact that you’re close with them. Honestly, this is the biggest red flag to me; that he thinks you’re too close/dependent on them. Has he tried to distance you from them? Has he pitched a fit or tried to guilt you when you go visit? With the info available, I’d say he’s projecting his own family issues. He can’t count on his family and it absolutely baffles him that you can. Or he thinks family is to (Insert issue/trauma here) and doesn’t trust any “family” and just wants it to be you & him and when it’s not, he pitches a fit/guilts you.
3. Evaluate how many times you’ve had to compromise to make him happy where he gets exactly what he wants and you get squat.
You need to come to terms that sometimes love and time invested isn’t enough.
Personally, I’d die on this hill. The fact that he won’t take a courthouse wedding WITH your parents and a celebratory dinner afterwards. That’s ridiculous. Honestly the fact that he’s so against this and unwilling to compromise is one huge red flag and even if he finally said, “Fine, whatever, let’s just do it” I’d still rethink this entire arrangement.
What you’re calling compromise is actually capitulation. A compromise is a negotiation where 2 people hear each other and come
To a place where they both can accept. He is saying it’s this way or no way.
Is this the life partner you want?