We’ve been together for three years, married less than a year, and living together for one year. The challenge we’re facing has become more apparent when we moved in together. I come from a vocal Mediterranean household where sharing opinions was encouraged, and I’m open to feedback. I believe in open communication to avoid future issues and grow together. On the other hand, my husband, a White American, grew up in a home with a dominating mother, dealing with anxiety issues for which he sees a therapist.
Navigating our cultural differences while living together has been tough. I’ve provided feedback about household chores, recycling habits, and aspects of our intimacy. To his credit, he’s made efforts to address most of these concerns. However, whenever I give feedback, he always rolls his eyes or huffs and puffs like a teenager does to their parent. He displays a sour attitude that lasts throughout the day, sometimes even disengaging with me.
Recently, our disagreements have intensified, occurring almost every two days. For instance:
* We share a tight space as two large guys, so working from home becomes a little troublesome. He hates his boss and often complains about her to his coworkers in his calls. Today I couldn’t hear my own call through his own complaints about his boss, so I said “shh” – this bothered him all day and he gave me the cold shoulder.
* We want to move to another city, so when he came back home from errands, I welcomed him and said “Apply to jobs today” as I was doing the same on my laptop. He rolled his eyes and grew sour until I talked to him.
* We were leaving a movie theater where he looked over my texts, and later he pushed my head to playfully tease me. I said “Stop it” and he grew quiet and walked in front of me and didn’t talk to me the way home.
This has become a pattern for us, and although we worked with a (Very flakey) couples therapist, the issue was not properly addressed. We’re starting with a new couples therapist soon.
From my perspective, I am just telling my truth, and I want him to adjust something minor, he can even say “not now / maybe later” but instead I get a very pubescent reaction that makes me feel like a strict mother, and I feel isolated. If I cannot tell my husband how I feel about small things, what can I really tell him?
After his cold shouldered reactions, I’m always the one initiating reconciliation, asking why he’s reacting this way. He often brings up that it is my tone that triggers him. It’s true, sometimes when he yells next to me or pushes my head, I give a curt “Don’t do it.” So remembering that, when I can I approach him calmy and respectfully, and even with those he gets irate.
When I dig deeper in his reactions, he gets more candid and says that he feels inadequate with me and that there is always something wrong with him. But all the feedback I give him is very surface-level and daily things, and never things like “don’t be a coward” “why are you so untidy” – I would never blurt out things like that. I tell him that I love him and these differences are minor in my eyes, and I’m still with him for many other great reasons.
He sometimes mentions I say the bad things about him but never the good things. I try to remind myself to thank him for doing the dishes, taking the trash etc.
The fights really tire me out, I need to be the one to initiate a truce after our fights, and after explaining myself to him, he often sees how his reactions are extreme, but the next day, here we go again. I say “Can you please try to put your dishes in the dishwasher and not in the sink?” and he rolls his eyes and gives me a very cold “O K…” and acts cold till I can address the issue again.
How can we break this pattern? He is willing to change and I am open to feedback as well.
TLDR: Married for less than a year, living together for one. I’m open about concerns; husband reacts like a teenager to feedback, causing fights almost every two days. Tried therapy but not effective. I ask for small changes, get immature reactions. Exhausted from repeating cycles. Seeking advice on breaking this pattern.