My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. Prior to meeting my boyfriend (m, 25) I was extremely driven, ambitious, happy, friendly , adventurous person. I (f, 25)would explore+try new things on my own, would go to church, have friend dates and was really honed in on self improvement.
When I met him I feel like I introduced a lot of that to him for a short while. After some time, I realized I began to do these things less and less. It wasn’t so much that he was keeping me from doing these things, but he also wasn’t encouraging them either. Somethings I had to stop- like trying new things- because he couldn’t join me, since I refused to be the one always paying for it. Going to church and self development stopped slowly but surely as he would mention things like: “not going to church doesn’t make you a bad person..” or say that I’m too hard on myself when aiming for something more.
Anyway, fast forward- we are almost 2 years in and have a 3 month baby girl. I’m the default parent, I carry around with all the chores, bills, etc. I’m on unpaid maternity leave until she hits 7 months and I find myself aimless, lifeless and lost. I don’t even know how to find my way again. I don’t know how to find myself again or how to even build back my spiritual life. I don’t want my daughter to see me like this and I also want to find enjoyment in my life as well. Many of the things I’d like to do is difficult because he doesn’t get home until late and I’m always with my daughter leaving minimal time to myself.
I feel like the mix between postpartum and my boyfriend + his vibe is not a good mix for me. I want to fix this, I love him and how he cares for us, but I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
As a man: I believe he has a good intentions and a good heart, however he is the type of person who’s gonna do what he’s gonna do. For instance, he has this dream of being an MMA fighter and he is currently a professional and that is above my daughter and I. Which is mainly the reason why he gets home so late, he spends about 4 hours training each day. While I support him, I also state to him my needs, however, it’s hard finding the happy medium for us since his sport is so demanding. As a father: he’s great when he’s here, however, I don’t feel he spends enough time with our daughter. He doesn’t know how to calm her nor knows her routine. He also has never purchased anything for her, it’s always been his mother or me buying her stuff. I know he loves us, I just feel like we are always second to his dream.
tl;dr – ever since meeting bf I feel like I don’t know who I am. How can I find my way back ?