Hi, married (F50) husband is 53. This is our second marriage, and for the first few years everything was more wonderful than I ever could have thought possible, we were incredibly compatible. We had an excellent relationship in every form. Lots of emotional intimacy lots of communication. The last few years sadly things have degraded, and the last 2 to 3 years has really been a struggle. I have a question I guess for those out there who have been married for a few years, my husband gets very upset if I look at his phone for any reason. He takes it very personally, and feels it’s an invasion of his privacy. Years ago this was not an issue, but there was one or two incidents in earlier years in which I was looking at his phone for an innocuous reason, and found some very flirtatious text between him and a mutual coworker. He no longer works at the company and I’m sure has no interaction with her now. Few months ago I also saw some inappropriate text that just bordered on an appropriate, but nevertheless hurt my feelings.
His response initially was I have nothing to hide. I know I’ve betrayed your trust. You can be look at my phone anytime it’s totally transparent but in the later years, he has done and about face and gets very upset if he even thinks I look at his phone. Recently, he thought I looked at it when in fact, I did not. I don’t know why he thinks that I did, but I didn’t but his reaction to me is concerning.
I suspect many people will think that he has something to hide and that’s why he’s acting this way I’m really 99% certain that’s not the case he works from home and I know where he is at all times he literally would not be able to carry on Anything even if he wanted to. But it does bother me that he gets so upset with me because I think certain things should be open book between husband and wife in particular because if I were to look at his phone for any reason, it’s not necessarily to snoop. He does have a history of having what I would call inappropriate Friendships with women that are not sexual, but I do feel cross certain boundaries, mainly, I think, looking for female validation, which is consistent with his personality. Right now I just feel angry because you recently blew up at me thinking I was looking at his phone which I wasn’t but I don’t know if this is a thing in other marriages and I’m just curious if it is with some thoughts are and maybe how you’ve handled it.
Short version- husband gets very angry if I look at his phone for any reason which I feel is weird.