I saw an interview with a relationship therapist (who specializes in men) and she was explaining that men who go outside of their relationships for sexual interactions do so because they’ve developed that as a coping mechanism instead of talking to their partner and working through things with their partner. She specifically mentioned online interactions as a form of cheating. She also said that they deep down know what they’re doing is a betrayal so they usually cope by lashing out at their partner to justify to themselves their secret betraying behavior.
Background: This year after being neglected romantically and sexually, and being lashed out at regularly (while caring for our baby and recovering from birthing a baby) I found (a couple months ago) out that husband had been engaging in sexual and romantic commenting (and most likely DMing from some comments I saw) with many women on Reddit. To me it was a huge betrayal and I felt extremely hurt that my husband (of 1 year) would write comments to other women like that and fantasize about other women to that extent. We are trying to work through it, but I naturally am still nervous that it will happen again or something worse will happen if we don’t find ways to strengthen our bond.
So in an effort to make him feel safe to talk and express needs, I let my husband know that he can come to me with his needs and that I’ll always listen and try to fill them. He obviously had some sexual needs that he felt compelled to go to other women for, or he just completely lost respect for and attraction to me. (Side note: I want more sex than him and had to really tone down my advances, I’ve asked for more kissing, and more romance in general (for like 2-3 years) because it all seemed to really start to dwindle once we moved in together.) He asked why I said it and I hugged him and told him that I just wanted him to know that I love him and that he can come to me. The next day he said we should enjoy our daughter while she’s a baby because she’s growing so fast, and I said yes and that we should also enjoy each other because we’re getting older too and we should enjoy feeling that we have a romantic partner. He got all silent. We went on a walk and talked a little more- he asked what happened because it’s the second day in a row I brought it up. I told him (staying calm and loving) that I want us to have a strong emotional bond and that I want us to have a relationship where we can go to each other and not feel like to go outside the relationship. He said I was starting a fight and I corrected him saying that I wanted to talk about ways to build our relationship. I pointed out that I was calm and in a good mood and that I was coming from a place of love. He started fighting and telling me that I was coming from a place of hate and fear and jealousy. Then he stormed off with the stroller and started walking back to our place. I called after him to come on the walk but he never turned around and when he was 1.5 blocks away I ran after him and said that if he wanted to go home that’s fine but that to leave the baby with me because she and I needed a walk. But that it would be nice to walk together. He came along but then quickly spiraled into berating me and fighting me. I said that I was coming from a place of love because I didn’t want to lose him and he just kept attacking me until I couldn’t take anymore.
He has showed total lack of empathy throughout the whole thing by telling me I’m overreacting and that everyone goes it and has showed no understanding as to why I would be hurt by seeing that he was initiating sexualized interactions (via sexual comments And DM requests). He keeps saying that it wasn’t for my eyes but he doesn’t get it that the hurtful part is that he was doing it at all regardless of me seeing it or not. He doesn’t get that it shows he’d rather go outside the relationship and give sexual attention to a bunch of other women instead of his wife. He doesn’t get why that’s a massive issue for trust. And he doesn’t get that it’s another massive issue for trust, emotional intimacy, and closeness that he doesn’t care about how it makes me feel. (His new catch phrase anytime I show any emotion at all is that I’m playing the victim.) He also doesn’t get why it’s important to talk through both of our perspectives and feelings. He doesn’t get that I’m trying to grow together and build intimacy so that we are stronger. He gets so defensive and just starts fights and then tells me I’m the one starting fights. He won’t talk with me about the relationship and feelings in a calm, loving, curious, open, team oriented, and problem solving way.
After my latest attempt I feel like we really need therapy, but he has made it clear on several occasions that he’s not open to it. At this point it’s really hard for me to not be worried about our future together. He doesn’t seem willing or able to have a truly intimate deep conversation about our relationship and how to strengthen it. He is not very interested in brainstorming ways to keep the romance alive. He’s uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and does not know how to validate or share emotions. I’m at a loss. I feel anxious talking about deeper things with him now and that makes me feel more and more distanced. I don’t want us to grow apart like this. I know it sounds cheesy, but the first time we went out alone I felt that he was my soulmate and I have intense love for him. I’m so sad about all this and I don’t know how else to get him to be on board with building a deep, trust rich , romantic, long lasting, happy marriage together.