I think I’ve been doing life wrong

9 comments

1. Sorry you are in this spot! It sounds like even with a girlfriend you were unhappy. I would consider therapy and looking at what you can have now that makes you happy. Do you have friends that you can hang out with? Do you acknowledge the good things in your life right now? Also with an engineering degree you should have a lot more prospects. I would branch out some more. Look at other types of engineering jobs and maybe even consider further out than where you currently live.

2. You’re still young, keep working towards your big goals. In the meantime it might help to look for hobbies or activities so you can enjoy your day-to-day life more. Maybe sports, music, volunteering with animals, or etc.

3. Very few people get everything right on the first attempt. You’re a very young adult, still, don’t panic.

4. What do you do for fun?

5. You say you’re unhappy with your life in part because you’re single, but you stated in your post that one of the reasons for the breakdown of your relationship was your mood.

   I don’t think it’s just that you hate your job either because lots of people do, especially at your age. I worked in a super technical, stressful call centre at your age, earning crap money. It made me absolutely miserable. Sure I knew some people who were becoming lawyers, but you should never compare yourself to others. There’s always people doing worse, always people doing better. You just do you.

   As someone certainly NOT QUALIFIED, but who has experienced depression, I think you’re depressed. If so, this will also massively be clouding how you’re perceiving your life. You’re young, educated, and have family around. Thats not nothing.

   I genuinely think you need to focus on self care. Take some time off work, go for long walks, and most importantly, look into getting therapy. Trying to get talking therapy via the NHS can be a nightmare if you’re not in crisis, so I’d maybe think about going private if you can (absolutely ridiculous that this is necessary btw).

   Just look after yourself. You got this.

6. By no means a doctor and I’m in a similar place in many respects. But I have found meditation and not thinking big picture helps a lot. Set long term goals but focus on the day to day goals, hitting them and finding appreciation for the small things.

7. What actually makes you happy?! Usually the answer isn’t a job. Being with people who care about you? Helping people? Solving problems? Doing projects or crafts? Playing or watching sports? Playing or listening to music? Can you remember a time when you felt happy? What were you doing? Who else was there? What made it so good? How can you take pieces of that happy time and fit them into your current life?

   Getting a job and a partner are not the ingredients to happiness. They’re expected and some income is necessary, and certainly love and cuddles can bring a lot of joy, but they’re not checkboxes that once you get them you are all set and don’t have to worry about them anymore. I KNOW how tough a job search can be, and dating can feel similar at times. (I’m also an engineer and I know how soul sucking some engineering jobs can be!)

   Start small. What is one thing that can make you smile, today? A sunny garden? A call with a family member? A cute animal video? Find tiny ways to find some joy in a day. Grow a plant. Walk outside. See other people. Eat good food. Move your body in ways that are fun, not just utilitarian. Go through the motions even if it doesn’t seem like it will help (#stupidwalk).

   Graduating into 2020 was a CATASTROPHE. It isn’t fair, at all. You missed out on social connections and celebrations and normal work environments and travel opportunities. Of course you’re not happy! You’re mourning an idea of what you thought Adult life would be like, and it hasn’t been like that AT All. You’re not doing it wrong. It’s not your fault that the last 2 years have been an isolating, discouraging, uncertain struggle. It requires more resilience and persistence than anyone should have to muster. And yet here we all are.

   Graduating and this idea that you should suddenly be ‘happy’ because you have a degree and a job can be rough for some people at the best of times. Suddenly you have a ton of free time and no expected direction and goals. You get to invent whatever life you want, but that can feel very overwhelming, especially if you don’t have a local social group, or your social group was school-based. Even if you have a partner while you make that transition, it can feel very lonely. And partners don’t always end up going the same direction or wanting the same things from life after school.

   Apart from job or relationship, what do you want your life to be like? Do you want there to be friends and hobbies and adventure and goals and projects? Figure out some pieces and start adding them/trying them one at a time. Maybe join a club or sport. Maybe volunteer in your community. Maybe schedule regular meals/activities with family or friends. If you had a partner, what kind of things would you want to do together? Can you do those things on your own or with friends? I know that’s all hard when you feel underwater and overwhelmed and broke. But it will lift you a little. And each piece will make the next one easier. Build it up little by little.

   If you’re living with/near your family, are your high school friends nearby? Even if they aren’t nearby are there ways you could stay in touch or play online together or visit and reconnect? Do you enjoy spending time with your family? How can you nurture and depend those connections? Think about making 1:1 connections with relatives who maybe your parents have previously managed the relationship for you.

   One item in your favour is that many jobs can be remote now, so your location should not necessarily be a limiting factor in your search (depends on your field, of course if you need to be physically in a factory/plant then that’s trickier). If you find that your applications are not getting callbacks, then look for some help with your resume and cover letter. (you could PM it to me, if you want, I’m a computer engineer in the US and have taken several classes on job searches due to a few layoffs along my career!) Your school might have that kind of help, or your local state government, or online tools. Learn to network and talk to people in your field to explore what sort of jobs are out there. most people really enjoy helping out young people and giving them a hand up in the world. If you are getting rejected after interviews, then you can practice your interview skills with similar organizations or with trusted friends/family/peers.

   As far as dating… When you’re deeply unhappy and feeling stuck is a really tough time to be available for love and connection. But if you slowly do the work to make your life what you want, and you make sure that life includes some opportunity to meet new people along the way, then you will find some folks who are interested in you. I would not recommend throwing yourself at the apps until you feel a little more hopeful and have good stuff to talk about with dates. You don’t have to rush. Find and build connection in non romantic ways for a bit, to make a good base for a romantic relationship to add to.

   I don’t want to diagnose you, but you sound so stuck in the negatives and so hopeless that it might also help to look into resources for depression. Maybe your company has an EAP that could get you a couple chats with a therapist and they could do a proper evaluation and suggest what you should do next to help yourself find some hope and energy to make changes. You can get through this and it WILL get better over time. You can make a life you want, that will include happiness and connection and eventually love.

8. Don’t give up, believe good things will come, and keep trying. Believe that you deserve it all, and that it will come.

   As for the job, just keep applying. Use sites that make it easy to apply (linkedin or indeed, etc., I’ve used it to get my past 2 jobs and you can apply from your phone), and just keep applying. Every day make it a goal to put in 2-5 apps (taking breaks from doing this is fine esp on weekends or just days you don’t feel up to it). Develop a thick skin, you will face lots of rejection, doesn’t matter, it wasn’t meant for you, keep going.

   As for the girlfriend, the way dating apps work is heavily skewed toward women, so already you’re at a disadvantage. Additionally, the algorithms are programmed to show profiles with less interaction, less. So, if you stopped getting matches, delete and remake your profile and start fresh. Keep the photos you use in some easily accessible folder in case you need to do it again.

   If you want help with these things, I’m a marketer of sorts, and I may be able to help with the presentation of both. I wrote + designed my fiance’s resume after he lost his job and he got a job in a day.

9. Look up direction of fit & causation. You seem to be relying on external validation. Reverse that. Cause what you can & let “them” fit you.