why do i feel so guilty, should i continue this?
over 18!
( i don’t know what page to put this)
I F(18) have a friend M(18) who i don’t see very often, only special occasions or parties (rarely). i would say i am pretty comfortable and close with him despite not seeing him much, i only met him a few months ago but we text or call all the time when i don’t see him.
3 weeks ago we were texting and he tells me he’s “horny”, i think nothing of this because to me we’re just good friends who tell each other stuff right?
fast forward later in the night he asks me “can you send me something”?, too be honest with you i was getting horny by this point too and i was contemplating sending something, but i had this gut feeling not to and i kept thinking the next time i saw him it would be awkward. he never pressured me into it and i decided not too so we just moved on from our night.
2 weeks later ( start of this week) i saw him at a party, for obvious reasons we never brought it up and just pretended it never happened.
until 2 nights ago, we were texting then he goes “what pjs you got on?” i tell him “i’ll send you a photo once i’m changed” thinking he’s just trying to keeping the conversation going. ( just too keep this story short he was horny) he tells me “if you do send one i won’t tell anyone” we kind of get in the groove of ‘pillow talk/sexting’ i guess you could say. i was into it and telling him things like “my top has a mind of its own”, etc. he tells me he’ll show me his 😳if i show something of mine. i was intrigued by this! he sent me photos in his boxers and i was so lost for words already. i sent him a photo in my bra, he asked me to take it off. i was going to send him a photo with it off but then the guilt hit and i knew i would regret it but i really wanted to. he send me a photo of his .. out ( keeping in censored) and i opened it at this point i felt as tho i should have sent something because he sent me something. he ended up finishing because i took too long and i felt bad, he said i owe him one which tbh i get why he would say that, i apologised for dragging it out so long and not sending one he says it’s “whatever”. i promised to not tell anyone as long as he doesn’t because although he didn’t really see anything of mine i was going to send him one and that’s just as bad i don’t want others thinking they can “use me”. we didn’t really say much after it and now i think of it i do feel a little bit used, its fun in the moment but after i get this extreme guilt like i’m doing something wrong. he only properly gets into it with me over text not in person.
i don’t want a relationship with him and he doesn’t want one either, i don’t know if i want to be fuck buddy’s although sometimes i get bored and want to other times i just feel as i’m there and used only when he wants me. at first i thought maybe i do like him and this is why i act like this but when i see him the feelings aren’t there i think it’s the thought of intimacy that gets me, knowing he has so much experience compared to me.
it’s always the morning after something happens with us i get extremely anxious at the thought of him seeing me in person after the thing i said/ he could’ve saw
do i pull out of this now before i make a bad decision or do i just carry on as better a friend than a random and do you think there’s good intentions or not!
thanks for all your help😁!