Advice please! We’ve been married 4.5 years, shotgun wedding, two kids aged 2 and 4. I’m a teacher and 4 of my coworkers/friends are going to Florida on our spring break. I’ve asked my husband if I can go with them. We’re all women and 4/5 of us are married. We’ll be getting a 2 bedroom place in Destin, just to enjoy ourselves and relax on the beach. According to my husband, I shouldn’t want to go on a trip without him/the kids. He doesn’t want me to go and thinks it’s weird. He claims it’s morally wrong and makes me feel guilty about having young children and still wanting to go. To me, his behavior is incredibly controlling and insecure. Should I care more about his feelings than going on a vacation? Aren’t girls trips and boys trips things normal adults do?
27 comments
Oh boy this should be a fun post to read later.
How is going on vacation morally wrong exactly? He may be paranoid you’ll cheat on him.
So I just asked my husband. He said, “yeah! Go. Have fun! Wait – are you doing this?”
This should be his response, like my husband’s response to the hypothetical question. There is nothing weird or immoral or guilt inducing. It’s healthy to do some things separately from time to time.
I feel like we need a lot more information…
– does he take guys trips with friends?
– is he concerned about money?
– if he works full time, is someone lined up to help watch the kids while he is at work and you are away?
– is he controlling in any other ways or is this the first problem that has come up?
Absolutely nothing wrong with girls trips and guys trips. But this is far too little to make a judgment call on.
It’s definitely not objectively morally wrong to travel with friends and leave your husband and kids at home. It’s always nice for parents to arrange it so they each get recharge time, and sometimes that can involve trips with friends. If it doesn’t put anyone in a bad position, it should be doable.
When you share a home and a life, you need to be able to discuss things like adults and make compromises so you’re both happy. If the two of you can’t manage that, the marriage won’t last long term since one or both of you will likely end up resentful. If this is that important, I’d recommend addressing it with him again and figure out what it would take to make the trip work. You don’t need permission and I wouldn’t address this as you asking permission, but working out logistics and finding a working solution is essential since you have kids, a marriage, and adult responsibilities to balance. Your husband’s feelings are important, but they don’t inherently trump your feelings.
Yeah… he just doesn’t want to have to take care of everything while you are away.
I would hope that you guys can talk about this, as partners. You say that he thinks you’re morally wrong and you think he is insecure and controlling. Those are big claims, and there doesn’t seem to be a middle ground of understanding between you two. Can you talk about it?
WHY does he think this is morally wrong? It might be hard for him, especially if he doesn’t like to be introspective. For example, It might be that he doesn’t think he can care for two kids for a whole week on his own. He’s not confident that he can do a good job, and he may not feel like he can stay emotionally happy or stable trying to force that care. He might think it’s irresponsible for you to leave your kids in a situation like that, and that would be morally wrong. Another example could be that he thinks you guys are a family unit, and family member should be invited on long outings. Perhaps you would also feel left out if your husband left for a week on his own. Maybe the reason is financial. Maybe it’s not. The important thing is, if he feels like there is a moral issue, there must be a WHY in there.
Similarly, there must be a reason WHY you feel he is being controlling. Is it because you feel like you are entitled to rest time or personal space, and he has made you feel guilty about asking for it? Or is it because friends who are in your situation are all participating, making this a “normal” activity, so it seems unreasonable that you are being shut down?
I think if both of you think about WHY you feel the way you do, you can potentially talk about it and try solving the problem together, as a team. If his main concerns are providing quality childcare, maybe you guys can prepare some extra budget to hire extra childcare for the week, so he feels like there is adequate support. Maybe if you feel like you want some fun alone time but he does not want himself and the kids to be without you for a whole week, you can either go for a shorter couple of days, or he and the kids can vacation in Florida too, and meet with you for a couple of the days.
I feel like if you guys are good partners for each other, you should be able to work together to try and engineer a solution that works for the both of you. If not, or if you guys don’t even want to try, then it’s not a good sign for an effective or communicative partnership.
Morally wrong? 🙄
Do you take vacations with your family? Does he go on guys trips? The real question is my first question. If this becomes the only vacation you’re being selfish. If you are also going on vacation with the family AND he’s allowed a boys vacation then he’s in the wrong otherwise you are
I’m not sure what the right answer is here.
I know that if a man was posting about wanting to go on a beach trip with the boys while he has young kids and a wife, commenters would tear him apart. I’m genuinely not sure why that is – social conditioning?
I don’t have a helpful answer. It’s your relationship. He is expressing discomfort about something. Maybe instead of trying to decide who is right, sit down with him and really try to ask WHY he feels that way.
Do I think you should be able to go? Sure.
Would I want to be left alone as a mother of 2 young kids while my spouse is at the beach? Eh.
My genuine advice to you: instead of looking for Reddit comments to validate what you feel is correct, or incorrect, start researching therapists and realize that NO ONE can solve this for you. You and him. That’s who has to work this out
My husband and I frequently take trips with our friends and not each other. We also take trips as a family. I am also a teacher and he understands how stressful it is. So the first week of summer, a couple of days on Spring y, or the first week of winter break, I go with my friends somewhere. I usually save up and pay for it myself but he always gives me money for a buffer and to do something nice for myself.
Edit: We’ve been married 17 years and started separate vacations around year 7 when family vacations were super stressful for me with 4 kids.
OP here, I’m not sure how to edit my original post, but here’s more info as requested:
-He goes on 2 or 3 night fishing camping trips with his brothers/friends every year
-I encourage him to hang out with friends but his answer is “I’d rather be with my family”
-This trip is 4 or 5 nights, not the entire week
-I have never given him reason not to trust me
-We do take family vacations
-We follow a Dave Ramsey budget system so the money I would be spending on this trip would be my “play money”, and would not affect our family vacation budget
-I do most all household chores daily- getting kids ready, dropping them at daycare, picking them up, dinner, dishes, laundry, cleaning… he helps, but spends a LOT more time than me doing things he *wants* to do.
We have no intentions of going clubbing or anything like that… I just want to have a drink on a beach, reading a book, without being interrupted every minute. I need a break!
We must nurture friendships like we nurture our families.
First concerning OP comment I asked my husband for “permission” to go. If she said I asked if we could swing it financially and with childcare, that would be one thing. Asking permission is not a good thing if you’re over the age of 18.
I go on a trip by myself or with friends at least once a year. Usually just a few days although I wouldn’t be opposed to a longer trip, I just prefer to save my pdo for my family trips. It’s healthy.
I mean, I let my ex go on Boys Weekend to Vegas every year. And I would go to Texas to visit my two close GFs and we’d rent a place in Austin or South Padre for Girls Weekend.
It’s the “morally wrong” excuse he’s giving that makes my hackles stand up.
I’m surprised at the number of people who think girls trips (or guy trips for that matter) are a problem. They’re all mostly married women. Nothing wrong with a girl’s trip.
I saw her reply about who’s going (40-50s ladies) and it’s Destin!! Anybody here from FL?? Destin is DEAD!!! The only ppl going wild are the retirees on bingo nite🤣 Hubby gets to go on multiple fishing trips w/o her & the kids, it doesn’t affect their budget, AND they can still take a family vacation this year!!!
He’s being selfish and doesn’t want to parent by himself. Time for some couples counseling but still go on the trip. You can use this time to prepare him to be a full parent.
Go on the trip. He takes regular trips without the family. You’re entitled to the same. If it’s morally wrong for you to take a trip without the family, the same applies to him.
Girls trips are NOT morally wrong. WTF.
This post right here is why I’m SOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY I’m not married!! I don’t have to answer to anyone or take into consideration the thoughts/feelings of someone who’s insecure and barely pulls his own weight! He doesn’t understand why you would want to vacation away from the family, but he also doesn’t understand what the MENTAL LOAD is for wives/mothers. Oh, and YET, he certainly gets to get away on fishing trips with his brothers/friends. Unbelievable!
To me it sounds he doesn’t want to be Mr. Mom for the week.
You need to talk to him if he can go on hunting trips and not ok for me to go with the girls dose he not want take care of the children you didn’t say
Just tell him that if you shouldn’t want to go on trips without him and the kids then HE shouldn’t want to go on trips without you and the kids. So he can wave bye bye to those fishing trips. And when he tries to tell you that’s different just keep looking at him blankly and saying “I don’t see how it’s different” keep reiterating that you are BOTH those kids parents and if one of you got to go on trips the other should too. I have a feeling this is mostly about him not wanting to take care of the kids himself and he’ll probably say but you’re their mom, and that’s when you say but you’re their dad. Etc etc.
So this trip will be your makeup tripe for his past fishing trips and you can both start the no trip thing when you get back and it’s more even.
Go on your vacation, he goes for more vacation time with his brothers/friends than you do. You work in a challenging job, go have a relaxing and fantastic vacation. He’ll just have to manage the kids. 👍🙂
Floridian here. You’ll have an AMAZING trip. Destin though?? He shouldn’t be worried about “Girls Gone Wild,” it’s a country town, not big massive screaming SPRING BREAK DESTINATION… What you’re describing of what he’s saying is a codependency as well as, I don’t know if I can hold down the fort insecurities. When you say, but you go on trips and I don’t have an issue, why is it wrong for me to want to get a nice break for myself? Don’t let him guilt trip you because if you give in, you’re teaching him how to treat you and you’ll NEVER get time away.. I went to Vegas with my girls for 3/4, had a blast and my husband was like, you don’t have to call just text let me know you’re alive, go have fun!! When I got back he was excited to hear about it, see pictures, posted them on his FB and everything..
Tell him, look, I am also a human being that needs a mental reset just like you do. You do not want me to have burnout and feel like my only identity is wife, mother, teacher and then keep watching you go on a relaxing trip but no, I can’t. How is that fair to me? Hey going OP!! Have a good time and update us!!
The problem is that you didn’t phrase it properly for your husband.
It should have been: “I’m going on a 4 day fishing trip with my friends and co-workers. Here are the dates and how I can be reached. See you later.”
That you are fishing with your mind from the shore without a rod or hook and a Mai Tai in your hand is inconsequential. Who knows, maybe the ocean washes something in on the beach.