**TLDR at the bottom**
I’m not sure if this counts as a breaking rule #2. If so, please remove it.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and we’ve lived together for 1.5 of those. Honeymoon phase was lovely but slowly things shifted as we stayed together longer. He comes from a different cultural background, where showing affection wasn’t the norm in his family – no “I love yous” or hugs or emotional conversations. It’s been tough because I crave that closeness and affection he gave during the honeymoon phase (the “princess treatment” if you will), but it’s been a struggle for him expressing it again consistently.
Early in our relationship he started teasing and making fun of me, calling me “big girl” due to my weight or eating habits, and sometimes just being annoying and mean/rude to me as a joke, like he does with his sisters. The sisters are used to it, but I’ve told him that while I don’t mind occasional teasing, I don’t love constantly being the butt of the joke and I’m not one of his sisters. On top of that, his way of showing love is mostly physical with a focus on caressing my boobs and butt often. I’ll have to tell him that he can caress me intimately without it being sexual such as kissing my cheek, playing with my hair, touching my thighs, etc. I’ve tried talking to him to find a balance regarding all of these issues, but it’s like he forgets or he’ll really try for a bit then it’ll go back to the same behavior, and it’s really starting to push me away.
We’ve had a lot of talks, we’ve both felt like we’ve become more like roommates with benefits than a couple. Despite that, we’re still trying to repair things. We recently went to a therapy session to try and have a safe, neutral, space to talk through these problems with a professional. I had suggested it before, and he wasn’t keen on it but I think he’s picking up on how worn out I am with it all. The session went somewhat well, the therapist said a lot of things I believe he needed to hear, as well as I but it was tough digging up all our issues. Credit where credit is due, my boyfriend is trying more, but I just still feel weird and like I’m grieving our relationship or something.
Recently I came back from a trip visiting my sister in a state I would love to relocate to. He’s been aware of my desires to relocate since the beginning of our relationship, it’s been something we’ve briefly touched on multiple times and he hasn’t been super keen on that either (until I started talking about it a lot on my trip). I’ll be honest, in that trip I caught myself picturing life without him, and I feel so conflicted. I truly love him so much and I see his potential and want us to work. He still makes me laugh and I enjoy spending time with him when he’s being loving and sweet. But the inconsistency over the last 2 years has been draining and our future seems shaky. I’m tired of the same conversations/arguments.
I feel like a terrible person because I know I am not perfect and I can improve too. I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to regret my decision either. I’m really confused and scared of these changes, as we would have to break our lease, divide our things up, and likely never see each other again. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I’m not sure if I should wait it out and see if things keep improving between us and keep meeting with the therapist or if I’m prolonging the inevitable. I’m sorry this is ridiculously long, I’m all over the place and I would really appreciate some clarity on navigating this situation with as little heartbreak as possible for both parties. For what it’s worth, my personal therapist will soon be aware of these feelings too for their assistance.
TLDR: I love my boyfriend but our issues over the last 2 years have been causing me to pull away and have started feeling like I want to break up. I feel conflicted between this decision I’ve been thinking of making and my love for him. I’m not sure if I should wait it out and see if things improve or just walk away.