My BF (27M) hates me for a mindless comment I (26F) made this morning.
It’s the day before a surgery he’s been on waiting list to have and we are laying in bed. I asked, “In a parallel universe, do you think we’d be friends?” He immediately pulled back and asked why I thought that and what I meant. I just said “you know, like in another world if we were with other people or things were different, do you think we’d be friends?”
He immediately started crying and asked why I’d even ask a question like that or have a thought like that. He immediately thought I was having second thoughts or doubts about being with him and supporting him through this surgery. I wasn’t / am not having doubts. It was just a random thought I clearly should’ve kept to myself.
Now he says he doesn’t want to go through the surgery tomorrow because he’s stressed and doesn’t trust me. I tried to tell him it wasn’t coming from a place of doubt but he doesn’t believe me.
I really don’t know what to do. We got the house ready, took time off, and have been preparing for this. I’d hate for him to have to be dropped to the bottom of the list for this. But I’m at a loss. How can I help him feel secure? And really get through to him that it was a mindless comment that didn’t reflect and feelings of doubt?
27 comments
I wonder if doing something special could help. Maybe bring him some stuff that would make him happy and remind him that you care for him.
He’s being emotional because of the surgery. Most likely he’s scared/concerned and it’s making him react this way.
I am always dumbfounded why people ask such questions where both sides could only lose:
-) Yes the questions sounds like you wanting to step back because of doubts. Even if you did not mean to say that this is the message that comes through.
-) Even ifhe does not see it as you doubting the relationship, what would have happened if he said “no”. Then you would have been offended.
The only way to “win” in this situation is, if he overlooks the message and then answers “correctly”.
Why do you play such games when there are so many options to just lose?
It’s stress from the surgery. He’s a grown up. He’ll do the surgery as scheduled b/c it would be stupid not to. Just tell him you know he’s feeling scared & anxious and everything will be okay.
What an absolutely stupid question to ask someone
Well, the question *does* sound like you’re having doubts about compatibility, so you probably need to come up with some explanation other than it being a mindless comment. It wasn’t a “mindless” comment – some thought process led you to ask the question.
Also, don’t ask stupid hypothetical questions when someone is already anxious about other things.
Do you have a tendency to make similar comments? They might seem benign to you, but other people can think you’re communicating a feeling you have. If you have a tendency to say most thinks you are thinking, you might have been giving an impression you want to leave. If you’re also kinda distanced or detached, or not as affectionate or loving- that can reinforce the impression you want to leave. Someone asking that question the day before the surgery is coming off as you questioning whether you’d be going through this for him if things were just a bit different. If it’s worth it.
If he is ill and are having surgery because of it, he might already be high stress. You again communicating that you want to leave him might have pushed him over the edge
“Would you love me if I was a worm” ass questions are so so so dumb. Take it as your sign to stop asking them.
Reminds me of the girl that cried on an airplane because her boyfriend answered NO to a question she asked him; “would you still love me if I am a worm” iirc.
Mindless question at the emotional & stressed time.
He was nervous and seeking any excuse to delay. This is just an excuse to delay.
I understood you were asking if he liked you without the sexual part of your relationship.
It may not have been the most appropriate time to ask such questions considering the upcoming surgery.
Just tell him your truth and stand on it.
An overreaction to something like that, usually means there is an underlying issue. Which is more than likely his stress, worry & feelings of anxiety regarding the surgery. Just reassure him, but not endlessly as he does need to get over it (which he will).
‘In a parallel universe, do you think you and I would have been friends?’
/answer from a partner not about to go to into surgery.
‘Yes, I think we could. We share so many value and interests and we care about the same things’.
‘In a parallel universe, do you think you and I would have been friends?’
/answer from a partner about to go into surgery they’ve been waiting a long time for.
‘OMG I can’t believe you’re seriously suggesting breaking up with me and becoming friends when you know how worried I am about surgery right now. Right, that’s it I’m cancelling surgery and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure we don’t break up!’
There was nothing wrong with your innocent question, it’s just that, for him, your timing was off.
I’d be very surprised, after surgery, that he doesn’t come out and tell you that himself.
Just say you have been watching ‘sliders’ the tv show on your phone.
People don’t get surgery everyday, it’s an extremely stressful and anxiety-inducing situation where your own mortality is front and center. All you folks saying he’s overreacting, try to imagine being hours away from a procedure where you have absolutely no control, where if something catastrophic happens you just don’t wake up again. I’m sure the boyfriend was already thinking about dying and then this shit comes up. It sounds like: hey don’t worry if you die, we’ll still be friends in another universe.
Is it rational? No. But his feelings are valid. Don’t ask existential questions before surgery. It fucks with people’s heads
You need to talk to him very lovingly and reassuringly. Repeat that it was a silly question for fun without any deeper meaning. Tell him you will always be there for him, that you and he will get through whatever the surgery entails and that you will be right by his side. Tell him you are so sorry and understand his fears.
1)To me this is an absolutely innocent and harmless question. However, because of your BF’s upcoming surgery and his reaction to your question, you do need to find ways to reassure him and possibly apologize for your “bad” timing.
2)Reading this thread makes me realize why neurotypical and neurodivergent people often don’t understand each other.
Maybe explain to him that you were asking whether he thought, as you do, that every part of your relationship is strong, not just the sexual attraction, and the romantic interest, but also the emotional support and the loyalty. Because what you have is deeper than just crushing on each other, it’s a deep friendship plus the other stuff. For me that’s what a question like this would be about.
It looks like bad timing to me.
You also have to understand that being too rational might not be the solution. He’s scared.
You need to tell him gently but firmly, it’s ok to be scared. No one will force him to do the surgery. This reaction is because he is afraid, and it’s understandable. But it’s a mistake to put our health at risk because we find it hard to deal with our emotions. So ask him to just trust you. You’ll be there for him when he wakes up, the same way he would be there for you. And he’s going to try to stay positive and clear his mind as much as he can. You can do a guided meditation ( just Google one on YouTube) and sit together in silence. Allow the feelings to come and then drift away. The trick is to not focus on the surgery – that will happen anyway. More experienced people will take over for that. Now we just do all of our preparation and stay positive. This time tomorrow, he will have it over him.
Usually when this type of question pops into someone’s head and there already a couple it goes like… “In another universe do you think we would meet, and still fall in love/be a couple.” So the do you think we’d be friends would be a bit alarming since most people would still see themselves as a couple in another universe scenario.
Write him a message. Say you meant the opposite to what he thought. Say you can’t imagine a world without him in your life and you were hoping that even if he loved someone else in another life, he’d still like the person you are enough to want to be friends.
Say you’re so happy he’s yours and you hope you two are together forever.
Ask him not to be upset alone but to come and talk to you instead.
All of it. Good luck!
Parallel universe comment the day before surgery: Possibly this is how his mind translated it:
“In a parallel universe, I the OP would not be with you and thus completely free of the responsibility of caring for you”.
I really don’t see what was point of asking this question personally.. I would forever wonder why you asked it. I’ve never been diagnosed but I think I’m neurodivergent. Idk I don’t find it innocent
If my partner asked this, my first question would be “well what’s different about this parallel universe?” They better give me an interesting hypothetical construct to work with. If the question is more like, would we date each other again given the chance, then yeah it’s a shitty question to ask.
You know your boyfriend is having surgery and you went to ask if you would be friends on a different plane?!! That’s isn’t a mindless comment. He is already scared because surgery there is always a risk of something happening and the person dying. What you said was awful. He’s already stressed and scared about surgery and you just added to that.
Apologize for making that comment. He needs reassurance now not hypothetical questions and situations.
Questions like this are pointless. How would you know if you would be friends in a parallel universe where things are different?