How did you learn to stand up for yourself?

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1. I personally got really emotionally messed up and decided that if I kept letting people walk over me that I would end up in a really bad position.

2. I still haven’t and let people walk all over me and then my mental state pays the price. Just something I can’t seem to do cause its not who I am.

3. By telling my mother , after apologizing for the 50th time, that I was done apologizing and it was up to her to move past it, but I wasn’t going to apologize for the rest of my life. Short and simple, plain tone of voice. She never mentioned it again,

4. Honestly? Getting into feminism. Everyone says “just learn to say no” but until I learned how I had been trained to say yes, it was impossible to unlearn that programming, that instinct to please.

   Exploring liberal and radical and marxist feminism, reading those long “feminist tumblr rants” and classics, agreeing and disagreeing and sitting with those thoughts. It made me realize my accommodating nature wasn’t “natural” or “part of who I am,” it was an unspoken social role I filled from habit. Understanding HOW I had been lowkey groomed my whole life (by teachers, bosses, friends, coworkers, media) to prioritize other people ahead of myself helped me unpack that and grow.

   It’s still hard to do, but realizing that flinching away from conflict/fearing disapproval are the chains that bind me into a life and personhood I don’t want–that is revelatory and it fuels the strength to say no.

5. I think learning to stand up for yourself is a long journey and I’m personally still working on it but I always try to think about other people in my life who care about me and if they would accept me being treated that way. And vice versa. Stand up for yourself like you would stand up for a friend. Or how you know they would stand up for you. For me the biggest role model growing up was my sister. She wouldn’t take crap from anyone. When I think of how she would react to someone mistreating me it helps me find the strength to stand up for myself.

6. I was bullied in elementary school and my mom died when I was 9, leaving me with my dad and my two older brothers.

   Sadly my dad became addicted to alcohol and it took a toll on our family. My middle brother became a delinquent for a while and my oldest was off to college. So I had to stand up for myself because I didn’t have people to confide in/help me.

   Also, older brothers prepare their little sisters naturally with shit talking. Yknow?

7. I wanted my daughter to have a good role model. I wanted her to see strength and confidence in me. After having a second baby, and then entering my thirties, I stopped caring about so much stuff and mostly wanted to focus on myself.

   I have a very large bubble around me and anyone who tries to infringe on my personal space or my emotional space gets told where to go. I don’t have the capacity for that anymore like I did in my 20s.

   If someone makes a request of me that will damage my inner peace, I say no without even thinking about it. It’s a reflex to say no.