I am F (28) and I am feeling really fed up with the unhealthy elements of my parents’ relationship.
My parents love each other very much but it is not a relationship I would define as the healthiest. Not the worst, but not the best. Dad practises weaponised incompetence. He does not look after himself and mom takes on a quasi-caretaker role. He is the breadwinner and does the outdoor maintenance, so he often acts like that is his contribution to the household. Mum however cooks, cleans, shops, does alot of mental labour etc. Lately, he has been experiencing some health issues and has been getting angry and controlling I think in response to his lack of control about his body. He gets triggered in every sense of the word that I almost don’t recognise him when he’s like this. I don’t think he would be physically violent towards her, but my mom gets very upset and thinks he might say or do something very hurtful or stupid. He gets really defensive and paranoid; it seems like he isn’t capable of listening or processing what you say in this heightened state. I understand why my mom shuts down and she just doesn’t know how to reason with him. It’s as if nothing she does is right to him in those moments and she gets the blame.
I have told her she needs to talk to him about how his episodes affect her when he isn’t so dysregulated but I understand her reluctance. It takes about 24 hours for him to come back down and by then she is exhausted. This kind of “event” happens I’d say about twice or three times a year. This has been their relationship for decades and personally, I am getting more and more fed up with it. I don’t want my mom to have to deal with this anymore. I do mean it when I say that these two love each other very much. Despite all of this, I don’t think it is likely they’d get a divorce, and nor is that the outcome I want for them. But I don’t see how this pattern can keep going on like this.
Does anyone have any personal experience or even professional advice as to how to broach this with him as his adult child? In all other aspects of my life I have a positive relationship with my dad but there is unsaid pain I have from these episodes. I don’t live with them; if I were there, I would likely have confronted him as being older now I am less afraid of his anger. But I’m not sure how to do it now. I really think he should see a psychologist but he never wants any professional help (this also applies to other areas of health e.g. GP, dentist etc.) Any advice?
**TL;DR:** My dad’s weaponized incompetence and recent health issues have led to anger outbursts and controlling behaviour, causing distress for my mom. The events usually happen 1-2 times a year, and I want advice on how to address the issue with my dad, despite his reluctance to seek professional help or discuss the problem.