I know – it sounds bad, but a guy (32m) I’ve been dating for several months recently ended things due to a sudden death in the family and it completely blindsided me as we really clicked. I think this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, as there were other signs that he wanted to keep me distanced from his family/ friend life (they knew about us but he never introduced me, despite me introducing him to mine). I really think something could eventuate between us, even if it’s just a close friendship. I’ve already extended the offer of my support and (platonic) company to him. Is there anything else I can do to try and keep him in my life to some extent? I will obviously date around and if I meet someone else so be it, but he really does stand as someone who’s company makes me happy and has similar values/ goals/ interests/ aspirations. I don’t meet many people like him, so when I do I try to keep them around. I’m fairly emotionally resilient and I’m not irrational, so I’m not worried about being hurt etc. I just want to give it a shot. Any advice appreciated- ideally from emotionally unavailable guys. Thanks!
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Ugh I’m sorry that happened, being blindsided is never easy. Just some food for thought, does he really make you happy and have similar values/goals, because remember part of him also decided it wasn’t worth continue with you (due to his circumstances). This is part of who he is. It’s going to cause you more strife than benefits trying to continue this with him (speaking as a previously emotionally unavailable guy).
The best thing you can do is respect his wishes. Let him know he’s always welcome back in your life and move on.
Doesn’t sound that much like me, but I can understand him a bit, I guess. At least to an extent.
Some people are just like that and for whatever reason, don’t like to mix family and friend groups outside. Might be a few reasons, maybe he is not sure of your relationship, maybe he is just the type to keep different relationship groups separate, maybe his family has certain level of..dysfunctionality and he doesn’t want to throw you inside all of that.
And especially after traumatic experiences, people tend to take their time to themselves. It can be really hard to balance different things in life then.
And I would honestly wonder whether it is worthwile for you to chase him to keep him around. I fear you may never get what you want and it may hurt you in the process. I wouldn’t if I were you.
Have you told HIM that?
Sometimes when people are emotionally unavailable it’s because they’re so jaded and guarded due to past experiences that they just don’t let people in.
He also might not have the emotional capacity to deal with this sudden tragedy in his life and feel like he then has to play the “boyfriend” role.
Just be honest – tel him how you feel while also mentioning that you fully respect him, his space and his needs, but you wanted him to know your feelings (no reciprocation required)
Edited to add – my husband and I started as friends and it took almost a year for me to have him realize and understand I wasn’t going anywhere. He was open but not that open.
I will never meet his family. I’ve met his aunt who is basically his mother – but other than that there isn’t anyone he would want me to meet because of THEM, not because of him or myself lol
This post is irrational.
There’s no benefit to keeping an emotionally unavailable person around.
I just ended a very similar situation, and my initial thought process was a lot like yours: we had such a strong connection, I’ll do my best to be friends, whatever. But it’s been a few weeks now, and I’m kind of just like…why? Why invest so much energy into someone who isn’t ever going to want to, isn’t ever going to be capable of investing the same in you? We’ll be friends, sure, but he’s not worth crying over.
You shouldn’t have to try to make somebody want to stay. If they want to be in your life – romantically, platonically, whatever – they’ll be there. The death in the family might have been the catalyst, but rest assured he would have found another reason if not this one, and it probably would have been a hell of a lot dumber.
The more you push, the more he will pull away. It’s painful but you need to let him go. You can let him know you’re around and keen to have a friendship, but if he doesn’t want it, you can’t force it. I’m sorry, I’ve been there too.
I don’t have enough details to give you advice, so I will share my story.
6 years ago, I met a woman online and we really hit it off. Two amazing dates in an i got hit suddenly with a mysterious health problem. I told the new girl I met that I couldn’t date, I was unwell and couldn’t be the person I advertised in my profile. I actually pushed almost everyone out of my life.
She knew I ran a successful business and she was just starting her consulting firm. She asked if it would be OK if she called me from time to time with business questions. Not dating. Not asking me to go do anything (I couldn’t anyway). Just take some calls on business. And, I had already been offering her startup advice, so it was a logical question.
She would call me every two or three weeks with some set of business questions, I now know she made these up just to stay connected. We’d talk for an hour about business and that’d be it.
About 6 months later, I was able to get around better and she said she had a gift for me for all of the helpful advice. She made me a blanket (I get cold easily) with a waterfall image on one side (I love waterfalls, they bring me intense calm) and one of my quotes sewn onto the other (I have a list of my own inspirational quotes I made up that drive me).
It was an intensely thoughtful gift. I basically melted. I had pushed her away because I thought it was too much to be unwell with a new partner. I was wrong with this one. She’s asleep next to me right now. She’s the best partner I’ve ever had by far. I’m keeping this one.
I don’t know what your link to this person is that allows you to stay at a distance but also show you’re there.
I will say, if she asked me to stay her friend, I would not have reached out to her. I wasn’t well. She had to be the one to stay in touch with me. I pushed people away. So, the key for her was her own proactive reaching out to me. She made the excuse. She executed. And she won her man. I’m just the lucky target of her love.
I’ll always know it’s because of her that I have this today. 💙
Remember that it’s not about you. Set your ego aside and understand that you just aren’t in the same place in your lives right now. Go no contact unless he reaches out. After a couple months send a check in text and see if he responds positively. I’ve had friends that I started out dating that had things happen in their lives that made them unable to show up as a partner and been able to have them as friends. Checking up every couple months with a ‘i was thinking about you, hope you’re doing well *positive thing about them*’ has more often than not led to close friendships that have lasted years. None of them have ended up going back to a romantic relationship but that was honestly probably more my choice with most of them, once I stepped away I realized I didn’t actually want them for a partner. That doesn’t mean they aren’t worthwhile and if you remain a calm, consistent friend that isn’t pushing or hoping for more you’ve got a good chance of ending up as friends.
Don’t waste your time! Seriously don’t, you’ll eventually have expectations for him to also be there for you, but it won’t work that way, and you’ll get really hurt and mad. Spend your energy somewhere else and consider it over. Emotionally unavailable men are not fixable and you deserve better. I know it hurts because I’ve been there and I’m sorry you’re going through this, but save yourself first because he sure won’t save you.
To answer your opening statement of how to keep an emotionally unavailable person around, you don’t. Cut your losses now before you develop more feelings where you could be hurt. It will never get better and while you may be able to withstand a year or more of it, you will start to see that you develop anxiety about the relationship, constantly wondering where you stand with him. I dated a woman for about a year and a half before I had to give up before the relationship destroyed me. When I broke it off with her she didn’t even argue it or fight for the relationship. All she said is “you deserve better”. It wasn’t easy as I did love her. Now that I am on the down hill slope of grieving the relationship I am much happier now not having to wonder constantly if she loves me, wants me around, etc… Good luck OP!