We had a huge argument yesterday, he tried to physically tackle me and I threw things at him after I untangled myself from his clutches. Slept in separate rooms, didn’t see each other’s face till today afternoon when we argued again & I left the house with a bag pack. He didn’t say a word & in-fact went on a work call. I don’t know anyone this new city & hotels are expensive. 45 mins after leaving home, he called & I disconnected. Shaking as I am writing this I don’t know who’s right or wrong but if he’d have loved me, he wouldn’t have let me go. Any advice as to where do I go from here?
16 comments
If he’d loved you he wouldn’t have tackled you. Him not stopping you is the best thing because it got you out of a physically abusive house. Can you call a woman’s shelter to get help?
You wanted him to tackle you again?
You are a grown women that he should allow you to leave.
You both need therapy to make your marriage work. You need to learn how to argue.
Maybe he let you go because he knew if you stayed the physical violence would escalate
What’s next after he tackles you again?
Good. If he would have stopped you, then what?
My husband and I both know full well if one of us packs a bag and leaves the house, neither of us are chasing after either of us… Just like him tackling you communicates more than words, so does your packing a bag and leaving. Because of the aggression, I would stay away for a while and reconvene when things calm down on the premise of mandatory therapy, if working this out together is something you both want. Also, I would live apart, while you do therapy – at least for the beginning.
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What are you arguing so fiercely about?
Do you have somewhere safe to stay? I’d say that is your first step. Friends or family? Even if they’re not nearby, get yourself someplace safe. As far as your marriage is concerned, he needs to be able to acknowledge that what he did is abuse. If he can’t do that, an exit strategy probably needs to be made.
Has this ever happened before? If it has, it’s time to cut your losses. If it hasn’t, therapy for both of you (individual and couples eventually) and he’s going to need anger management classes or cognitive behavioral therapy and you should do it separately. Don’t go back home until he agrees to get help.
I may get downvoted but I don’t think you should throw the baby out with the bath water if this is a one off. Certainly, if you don’t trust him or you are afraid, do not go back home. Start with a conversation and don’t accept a mere apology (“sorry I won’t do it again), it needs to be accompanied by action (“wife, I’m sorry that I hit you, it was abuse, and I am going to get professional help before you come home.”).
If he can’t do these things, don’t put yourself back in harm’s way.
I think letting you leave was the grownup thing to do. You’re an adult, you should be able to go where you want. It sounds like you were “testing” him. Marriages don’t work if you’re playing games, expecting mind reading, and using domestic abuse instead of arguing w/your grownup words.
Letting you go was smarter than getting into another physical altercation. Your marriage is too violent to be viable.
> if he’d have loved me, he wouldn’t have let me go.
I totally disagree with this. If my wife packed her bags and left after a big argument, I would let her leave, out of respect for her decision as an adult to leave the house. I would try to talk to her about it later after we’d cooled off, but I would not try to prevent her from leaving if that’s what she intended to do.
In any case, the biggest issue in this whole post is that he tried to physically tackle you? Has he been physical with you before? I would be very concerned about this behavior.
First of all, if he loved you, he wouldn’t put his hands on you. I’m worried for you. This behavior is not normal.
I don’t know if i agree w the “if he loved me he wouldn’t have let me go”.
The reality is that ur all angry and upset at each other. If it was my wife i probably would have let her go to because when she’s upset at me or vice versa, trying to be rational or cordial is counterproductive. Ur overflowing w emotions and those have to be let out before u can have any sort of productive conversation
Blow ur steam off. Let him blow his off by himself too and then go back and have a conversation when u both have ur head on straight… ur one year in. Ur gonna go through hard times, work through the, and become better. Make 100 different mistakes but don’t keep making the same ones over and over again
You’re playing a rather dangerous game with your marriage. Day 1 of argument turns physical with him tackling you and you throwing things at him. Day 2 argument continues and you “harrumph” out the door with a backpack and you equate him not tackling you as him not loving you. He CALLS YOU 45 minutes to likely check on you and you hung up on him. There’s a whole lot of dysfunction in this relationship – and it isn’t all on his end. He did the right thing “letting you leave” (which, UGH, no one lets a grown woman do anything) and not allowing escalation to violence again.
Highly recommend marital counseling.
Are you fearful that he will hurt you physically? It sounds like you two had a physical altercation during your argument, and that’s not healthy. Is he willing to go to counseling with you?
Sometimes, it helps to take a breather during an argument and just say, let’s take some time to cool off before we try to discuss this again. Once an argument gets heated, it rarely leads anywhere good.