I’m really struggling to process a hook-up experience with this guy (35F) while I (30F) was in Alaska for work last month. I’ve been in a long-term (13 years!) relationship since I was 17, so went into the world of dating apps with very little awareness of or experience in the modern hook-up/dating climate (and a complete lack of boundaries). Anyway, since my experience with this guy, I’ve been learning about attachment theory (mostly to make sense of how I behaved towards him and how he responded, and to improve myself) and have just been feeling an overwhelming sense of embarrassment/guilt/shame for some of my behaviors that don’t reflect who I truly am. I was on a work-trip and away from home and anything familiar for so long that I think some of my anxious attachment tendencies were really exacerbated when I met him, despite being a generally secure, independent woman.
Anyway, he was super attractive, charming, sweet, and funny the first night we met and I was immediately swooning (I wish I would have chilled a bit because I think I already freaked him out a little, haha). We hooked-up in his truck twice and had sex at his house twice over two weeks. I thought things went well overall the first couple times we met up, until the last time we had sex. We had been planning for a quick late-night meet up, but after things got hot and heavy in his truck, he actually initiated us going back to his house to have sex. And just FYI, he was definitely way more sexually experienced than me (he was my 3rd sexual partner ever but from his very performative nature, I could tell he has had many, many more). We raced back to his house and everything building up to sex was great and hot. But then, during sex, I felt like he was being a little snappy at me (e.g., he asked me why I grabbed his dick to guide it into me when I was on top of him, and he was dictating positions and seemed frustrated when it wasn’t working because, for example, my legs were too stiff in a certain position and he would snap at me to “just relax”). I think I sensed the vibe was off so as a defense mechanism I started being a little bit light-hearted and joking around to make light of the situation (as I naturally do in ‘uncomfortable’ situations, even though I did like him and was attracted to him). Anyway, he suddenly stopped mid-sex, laid down, and seemed to withdraw and become aloof, like he was a different person). He seemed frustrated, like I had wasted his time. We laid there for a couple minutes and I asked him if he wanted to keep going, and he said he was done. I then asked him if he would text me sometime again (I don’t know why I asked that–I think I always wanted to hang out with him outside of hooking up because we both play the same sport and had talked about doing it before). Anyway, his response was “No.” I thought he was maybe kidding based on previous interactions with him where he was sarcastic/joking. So I pushed back a little but he seemed pretty resolute/stern. We talked a little more, got dressed, and walked down to the door. At this point, he was stonewalling me, looking at his phone. I tried to be a little affectionate and kissed him on the cheek multiple times to say goodbye but he didn’t seem to want to engage. I think my anxiety was in full-swing at this point, and maybe I was trying to do damage control? Anyway, that was the last time I saw him.
My anxious-attachment tendencies were really activated over that weekend and I texted him once every other day to see if he wanted to get together again to have more fun or play our shared sport before I left town the following week. He did respond to all of my messages, but it was clear he was slow-fading and sometimes responding with sarcasm, and just generally not interested. Anyway, he ended up ghosting/blocking me, and I sent a couple of messages to apologize for some of my behaviors over those two weeks. I do recognize that he maybe just lost interest in me that night while were having sex because it wasn’t what he was expecting/up to his standards. But I also can’t help but think some of my anxious-attachment tendencies freaked him out? I know I shouldn’t label anyone but in retrospect, he had a lot of traits of avoidance, including extreme independence, strong work ethic, emotional distance/unavailability, etc. I can’t help but wonder if me asking him to text me was an extreme trigger for him (i.e., threatening to his independence/autonomy, even though I did not mean for it to be at all, I just wanted to hang out with him), after he may have already been triggered because the sex didn’t go how he wanted (despite things going well the other times)? I know I will never make sense of what happened as people are complicated and these situations are nuanced, but I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that my anxious-attachment behavior probably completely turned him off to me. And after reading about avoidant attachment, I am especially struggling with the realization that I may have crossed his boundaries (i.e., pushing back against his no), and caused him so much discomfort to the point that he had to deactivate in front of me and then ghost/block me because I didn’t know how to read his non-verbal cues at the time. From my perspective, I think it was just very jarring to go from having sex with someone moments before to them just stonewalling me the next minute. I’m trying really hard to understand and to have empathy for him, but I think since he was my 3rd sexual partner ever, the whole experience has taken an emotional toll on me. Anyway, I guess I’m just looking for some support/insight from others who have had maybe similar experiences? I really see myself as a pretty confident, happy, successful, independent woman (I’m getting my doctorate this year, wooh!), so I am struggling to come to terms with how I have been feeling since this incident–ashamed, self-conscious, embarrassed, frustrated, etc. And yes, I started going to therapy when I got back home.