Hello everyone,
Alternative account here for privacy reasons.
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I, M39 am very unsatisfied with my marriage. I met my wife (W40) during my internship and she was basically one of my first “real” relationships. I was kind of an introvert guy when I was younger and think I might have settled for the wrong person/wife. Our marriage is somewhat f\*cked and is more like a brother/sister relationship than a lovers relationship if you ask me.
We met in 2009/2010. Married in 2016 and got our daughter in 2017. Over this period a lot has happened and, in hindsight, many of those happenings were red flags. However since there was a child in the picture I was not planning on going anywhere.
To prevent this from becoming a major wall of text, I’ll try and summarize. I know this is my side of the story but that’s the best I can do for now.
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* In hindsight there were some “red flags” in her behavior before the marriage that I should have recognized. Vile remarks, looking for control, etc;
* During the pregnancy she went completely ballistic and vile. At the same period I was in a very bad situation at my work which caused me a lot of stress, coming home to another stressfull situation really messed me up emotionally (i believe). Considering the “ballistic” I mean things like: “I wasn’t expecting this from you since you are the one who wanted wanted a child”. Or “We are totally not on the same level. Go ask for a divorce”. But not just once every few months, this was happening almost daily.
* After the pregnancy she kept having hormone issues for at least 2 years.
At some point I was so fed up with it that I told her: Go see a specialist because I am literally losing my mind. For 2 weeks a month I was living with someone that is constantly looking for a confrontation. On various occasions she deliberatly verbally tried to hurt me, with me visually showing that I was touched… finishing it off with a “Yeah. You don’t like it when I say that do you” kind of things. Or, when I’d say “I find your behavior ….” i’d get a “what you find, you need to bring to the police” kind of things thrown at me.
* After 2 years trial and error with birth control she finally (mentally) got a bit better. However whenever she is stressed out she instantly becomes mean as a way of showing her feelings. I can’t recall the amount of silent treatments that I have received etc. etc. Recently she had another outburst that also got our daughter not knowing how to handle the situation, I was crying the day after myself.
* Our sexlife is completely non-existing. It’s been a dead bedroom since the pregnancy and I have no idea on how to fix it. In my belief I have some resentment towards her for the “emotional abuse” I have gotten from her during at least that 3 year period. However, I don’t know if and how to fix this? She literally says she can’t remember anything from that “dark period” in her life. Apart of the fact that I think she should lose some weight, her attitude/future vision is probably what causes most of the resent on my part.
* Financially it is a mess. We get plenty of income but I am unable to structure her into a decent financial situation. I have tried to discuss this numerous of times because to me it is important to have a solid financial basis. However, each time I bring it to the table “Oh not this shit again.”. “My parents were always fighting of money. I don’t want to do that”.
* Her lack of interests and discipline to get things done or “grow” annoys me. All she basically wants is work-eat-netflix-sleep and workout twice a week, the rest should all come to her without any effort. I am figuring out that I am the kind of guy that has hobbies and would like to have someone around that has some, or other interests that we can talk about. I literally had no idea what to buy her for christmas last year.
Over time I have spoken to many other people, including women. Never have I cheated, but I do know that my marriage/relationship is probably what some would call “unhealthy” or “toxic”.
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So last month I thought to myself: I am entering my 40s and am quite unhappy. Unhappy with my sexlife, unhappy with our future plans (i.e. saving up for a caravan/trailer/big holiday or whatever) and I can’t figure out how to fix it. I tried to talk to my wife, told her about what’s been bothering me and she immediatly went into the defensive mode. How she is unable to talk to me or express her feelings to me, so I asked her why not go to a relationship therapist? We can both say what we want to say in a safe environment with someone leading the conversation.
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Nope, she won’t have it. It costs money and since I’m trying to save some money she thinks i dont want to spend money on such a worthy cause. Or – perhaps our family might find out and I don’t want people to think about us that way.
Instead she said she will write me a letter with her feelings – and that was 3 weeks ago. So far no letter. Also I believe that such a letter would start a discussion that ends up like all other discussions.
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Additionally:
She talked me into seeing a psychologist during the pregnancy because there was clearly something wrong with me. I went to a relational therapist alone, was of no use as this was clearly something that you cannot fix alone. Talked to my normal doctor here in our country about it, he doubts this whole thing is something I am at fault at.
Anyone have tips?