Tldr: my bff is in a very toxic relationship and now she’s turning on us, her friends, and gave us an ultimatum
So, the situation is like this: my (26F) bff (26F) is in a very toxic relationship (psychological ab). For the most part of their relationship she’s been highly stressed, sad and anxious because of how he (23M) treats her. They’ve been together for 7 months give or take.
He’s cheated on her 3 times with the same person (we, our friend group, don’t doubt he’s still cheating because he won’t even let her touch his phone or computer. He’s always been like this). He can go through her phone and read every single conversation she’s having but she can’t do the same. He’s been jealous of every guy friend of hers. He’s said that i’ll steal her from him. He’s coerced her into doing things she’s not entirely comfortable with due to her religion (you know what i mean) and to do the deed without proper protection (she can’t use birth control for medical reasons). He ignores every single boundary of her, treats her poorly, ignores her, lies to her, says he’s saving for their future and then spends all his money on random stuff like a vr set to play anime games (the very explicit kind, which he knows that makes her feel bad). He love bombs her whenever she brings any of this up or he lashes out at her and procedes to ignore her. You get the idea by now.
She excuses his behaviour saying that he doesn’t mean any of it and it’s him being in survival mode because his mother is a narcissistic and manipulative person.
So, all of this has causes her a great deal of distress and pain, naturally she’s vented to me and our friends. She even broke down many times in call because of this. We’ve been trying to be as supportive as possible, being there, reassuring her, listening, giving her advice. There’s not a single person that has advised her to stay in that relationship. We’ve all said she should break up with him.
The first time this whole conversation happened, she told him everything we’ve said and now of course, he hates us with a passion. He even threatened me by text saying he would cut us all out for lying and trashing him to a person who would tell him everything we’ve said. Of course i had none of it. She stopped telling us (me included) stuff he was doing because she was hurt that we were trashing him and said she should only discuss those things with him or her mom. Eventually she started telling me stuff again and i just kept my mouth shut (even tho the things made me very angry at him) which is what she wanted.
A few days ago she had a massive breakdown again in voice call with our friend group and she broke up with him. His reaction was basically “oh okay sorry”. Two days later we find out she took him back 5 min after. She let us confort her and reassure her for a whole day, specially when she was blaming herself for everything. Aka she lied to everyone’s face. Now she sent us a massive rant saying he’s not a bad person, he’s not abusive bc he’s never hit her, that his reactions is him being in survival mode and that we peer pressured him into breaking up with him and basically threatening us that if we don’t stop, she’ll leave because we’re not listening to her and we’re trashing and mocking the love of her life, that she knows he’s the one, etc. Oh and she blames her entirely for all the problems in their relationship because she should’ve kept her mouth shut and not tell anyone according to her. Oh and she plans on ghosting us for an entire month because she needs a break and expects to come back as if nothing happened.
Idk, the message was very aggressive which is not like her at all and honesty I’m torn between being there for her and call her out on her bs and dropping her as a friend because I’m so done. At the same time i know exactly what he’s doing and i don’t want to let him win bc she’s my bff, she’s my buddy, she wasn’t like this and i would defend her from anything, same way she would defend me. But I’m sick of being blamed and sick of her justifying every single action of his and treating us like we’re the bad guys. Treating me like I’m the bad guy, the one person that has been there for her always, and always comforted her and listened to. Lying to me straight to my face and finding out that it’s not the first time she’s lied to me/us.
I know that now it’s all on her and she needs to hit the wall to learn her lesson but i really don’t know what to make of all this nor what to do. I’m pretty sure that if i say anything about that rant, she’ll leave and never talk to anyone again (except for one of the guys who’s dating one of his bf’s friend, she’s been talking to him while ghosting the rest of us).
Any advice or help? I welcome any opinion or insight! Ty in advance