I love my husband, we are in the 7th year which makes me doubt my doubts by chalking it up to the common hardship of this period of marriage.
My husband has spent his life feeling inadequate (childhood trauma especially) and I was obsessed with him and did and said everything I could to let him know I didn’t feel that way about him. First three years were incredible times. We were in our mid/late 20s, bar hopping and just having fun.
We decided to enter our next chapter and try for children. Ever since, the feeling of inadequacy is back and stronger than ever. But now I don’t have the energy to spend on making him feel better. Of course I am supportive, but I’m also the primary parent and a lot of times, feeling like a single mom. I mean long story short, he would spend so much money on weed, for example $500/month. I didn’t know it was that much until we started falling behind on bills. So it went like this: weed —> psychosis —> bipolar 1 diagnosis, loss of job, and I’m paying back the med bills, working two jobs and taking on the mental load of parenthood.
I love him so much, but it isn’t just us anymore and I want to give my kids a good life. I am trying to take them on vacations, play sports, make friends, have fun. But any time we go, it makes my husband feel bad because he didn’t buy the trip or whatever and he spoils it with his negativity. I tell him that he contributes so much good to the family, our money is combined, I try my best but he can’t shake how he feels. We went to marriage counseling 3x, he won’t go anymore and refuses therapy. He doesn’t smoke weed anymore bc they told him it could send him back into psychosis. He is just miserable. I feel guilty for even thinking of walking away because “in sickness and in health” but it boils back down to our children, every time. They see the sadness, irritability, anger. They even ask me “why is daddy mad today?” And it breaks my heart.
Am I stupid for thinking there is hope? It’s been about 4 years of this cycle and I am so exhausted and sad. I would do anything to get us to a good place but I don’t know if there is anything I can do.