Im not sure what’s going on anymore and warning you now, I might make zero sense. It’ll be a year I lost my brother, he was murdered and I’ve become such a shittiest gf. I feel like I need my bf always around me but then when he is around me I feel like I can’t get any of my art done. I’m aware I need to go to therapy and to cry it out but I fight with myself on it, despite knowing it’ll be good for me. I’m not the same fun and silly gf I use to be, I barely laugh and when I do it’s bc I try my hardest to make my mom laugh because I know it’s hard for losing my brother. I feel so alone but then feel like I need to be alone. I feel like I have two people in my head with opposite thoughts and I can’t seem to decide. I know my bf is trying his best but when we fight I tell him he isn’t doing enough, I say the opposite, do the opposite and try to fight with him on the smallest dumbest things, I’m extra clingy now and all I want is for him to be there and do what I want and say. I know this sounds abusive but I’m not sure why I keep doing it. Im looking for advice or something, maybe someone to tell me I’m an idiot, I don’t know. But I don’t want to lose him but make zero effort to keep him. I lose interest in things now, all I want to do is draw and we don’t do the same things anymore. I feel like it’s always a problem when it use to be us being silly, going to the beach super late and not worrying. Now losing my brother, I get nervous to leave my house, I don’t want to keep anything clean, I don’t want to put effort anymore and idk how to get out of it. If he doesn’t communicate every little thing I freak out, but I wasn’t like this. I’ve improved so much and healed my inner child just to end up losing my brother and basically feel the biggest pain ive ever had. And the trials are so hard to go to, seeing the killer so hard and I get really mean to everyone around me after court and Im irritated and can’t seem to calm down. I just feel like my bf is never here for me during those times, last time I had a panic attack and he just left me alone, when we got back from court he just went home, knowing how i was feeling. Is it because it’s too much for him bc I been so mean since I lost my brother? Is it bc he is also grieving over my brother and his grandparents that he is also confused? Idk but when I asked him all he tells me is he is fine or I don’t know. Those are usually his answers. Again, I know I’m rambling and jumping all over the place, I’m sorry I know it barely makes sense. I’m typing this right now full of panic and confusion. So there might be some misspelling.