Hello everyone.
I posted a week ago about what had happened the evening prior – after living separate at home for almost a year, my soon-to-be ex-wife wanted to reconcile so I ripped the divorce papers in front of her, to her delight.
However, soon after the realization that I had planned my whole new year around the fact I was getting divorced set in, and that the decision of reconciliation actually brought me uncertainty and anxiety.
My wife noticed that, and we had a number of heart-to-heart about this. There was talking, laughs and even tears during those talks, tears of the good, liberatory kind. My wife rarely if almost never cries, she’s the stoic type, but seeing her break into tears, sobbing how much I hurt her and she still loves me, was like getting stabbed in the heart, I realized the pain I caused her is still fresh and burning.
She unloaded all the pain and turmoil I had inflicted upon her with my past behavior, and admitted she felt both proud and bitter about my changes in the last year – proud because I turned my life around, bitter because I had accepted the divorce so quickly as if she was what was holding me back, and she wasn’t worth my best self.
However, she was also angry at herself because she was already reconsidering the divorce back in June, but didn’t say anything or gave me signals because she feared I’d revert to my old behavior, or would rebuff her.
In the meantime, I had started to renovate my father’s old villa – well, more of a big house than a proper mansion – to move in this year, and gave her only breadcrumbs information about it – and she was both positively surprised to learn about all the work I am putting into it, and again a bit bitter that I didn’t tell her anything and all my projects were designed without her in mind, as if she was just an already fading memory.
The possibility of an amicable divorce has been brought up again, but she wanted two clear answers:
1) was there another woman?
2) did I actually stop loving her?
The answer to both question is no.
I told her I did suffer about losing her and our marriage, but I didn’t want to be the ex-husband who made fleeting promises, hounded her down and made a nuisance of herself – it’s the least I could have done after making her suffer so much and also thank her for her infinite kindness. I just worked, did my best to be a good soon-to-be ex-husband, paid my utilities and wanted to pay her a rent for the room she allocated me in her home, which she always refused even when I insisted.
Eventually arrived the one million dollar question – do we want this marriage to work?
Answer: yes.
It won’t be easy and there’s still a lot of work to be done, we agreed to take baby steps and have already booked couple therapy for this week.
I am already doing individual therapy but now she’ll be looking for individual therapy for herself as well.
In the last week, we went on some quiet dates, walks and a short hiking trip. I also made a “peace offering” of sorts by asking her if she wanted to partecipate in my renovation project of my father’s house, give her input and ideas. She was enthusiastic about it – she likes gardening but her property has no garden and she makes do with the potted plants on the balcony, while my father’s house has a large garden and a big plot of overgrown land behind it. She said we will be busting our backs but it will the worth it, and I think that working together on a shared project will help restablishing our bond.
So that’s where we stand now. The road is still long and difficult, but I am hopeful.
I wish to sincerely thank all the redditor who gave me their insights, comments, praises and criticism.