My (39f) husband (40m) has a habit of getting into a very negative tailspin when we hit a particularly difficult stalemate in an argument. This typically looks like we see the events that happened in the past differently or disagree with who is in the wrong/right. The concept of “agree to disagree”or go along to get along, is not in his vocabulary and he gets very cerebral in these moments. It takes all it is in me not just to cave because I know what it is coming next:very generalized thoughts of ‘what are we even doing together?’ ‘We’re such different people.’ ‘We see life completely differently.’ ‘Why are you even with me if you think I’m so negative?’ ‘We need a divorce’
The problem is, it’s not a threat. He believes it. My stomach drops out and he starts planning. It’s all so jarring. Just a week ago, he was saying how happy he was and well we were getting along. Because, well, we were!! But he can’t remember the 85% of positivity of our relationship in these moments. He can’t see them and they don’t matter. But suddenly it becomes my responsibility to remind him of them in these moments. I am a SAHM mom from another country. I don’t have power or money. He comes from money and is the sole earner. We have a 1 year and and a 4 year old. We are happy. It is heart breaking.
I just don’t know what to do when he gets in these tailspins. In week or so he comes out and we go back to normal but it happens about 3 times a year and I just don’t know what to do or how to act. I feel so pathetic asking him to stay and pointing out our good times, because they are obvious and many – but what else am I to do?? We do talk about this in more sober moments and he tells me it won’t happen again as a threat, and we have done therapy too, but it keeps happening. I do bring our agreement during fights too, and he says “this is different because I mean it” and I know he does in the moment.
Please do not recommend divorce. I don’t want that and it’s not right for this. We are happy the vast majority of time. Sorry for rambles. Just so overwhelmed. Thank you.