My partner and I have been dating for 2 years , living for 1. We generally have great chemistry and love each other, we also have a lot of things/interests in common. However I’ve always felt like I don’t get enough affection or appreciation from my partner. Before we even moved in together I respectfully communicated to him that a big part of intimacy to me is affection and I was missing it since he never, to this day, initiated cuddling unless it’s right after sex. He said he heard me and he will try but he hasn’t, if I want it I always have to ask and he jokes like it’s annoying to him but complies.
He himself has a couple of kinks and intimacy needs he likes, that I have never tried before meeting him (nothing crazy but I’ll exclude details) I have always been open to try and we have done it dozens of times, even though for me it’s neutral.
I have communicated a lot since we moved in together that I still need those things to be sometimes initiated. Now that we live together and I cook/clean 85% of the time. I also clean things he never even touches (filters, toilet, windows, microwave , oven….) myself.
We work the same amount of hours and we earn the same amount (maybe 50$ difference monthly). Financially we split everything equally. And I have felt that I always put more effort into his intimate needs than he does for me, and now I feel I put more effort in the household. I cook healthy , from scratch , balanced diet regularly. And he will say thank you and compliment my cooking. However after I put hours and hours in cleaning and cooking and presenting everything beautifully sometimes only this “thanks” is not enough.
I also am an attractive woman I take care of myself , I workout and put in effort in my looks and I get a lot of validation but outside of my relationship. My partner will occasionally (1-3 months) say I look nice or pretty when I dress up or something during sex. But that’s it . Most compliments I get are from everyone except him.
He also has a habit of shutting down when we argue for days. The other day everything was fine I made dinner and cleaned the kitchen. He came home looking rather annoyed or angry. I asked him few times if something was wrong he dismissively said no without looking at me and went on his phone for the rest of the evening. I gave him space for the rest of the night assuming it’s unrelated to me. He didn’t approach me until a whole day later. But by that point I was already upset. He offered to make food and I said I’m good and made my own dinner we ignored each other for 2 more days until once again I have approached him asking what exactly is HE mad about. He turned the tables on me saying I was the one ignoring him and we started fighting . In this fight he has mocked me by copying how I speak, called me “thick brained” so stupid, then said I always complain to him about bullshit (lack of affection and appreciation). He said he feels what he does is never good enough anyway so it doesn’t matter , when I pointed out that he does minimal effort he scoffed and dismissed me. He doesn’t hold back when it comes to insults or putting me down during a fight but when things are good it seems being loving towards me is where he cannot put the effort. All of this drove me extremely angry, I said if thats how u feel we should not be together. We said more hurtful things to each other , at some point I said I truly resent him, and we separated for the evening in the rooms. I feel like I can’t be objective as I’m very hurt and angry. I have communicated in the past clearly and lovingly that I want more affection and verbal validation . Verbally he would agree and say he would try but he barely ever made any effort. Even though when he tried a few times I made a big deal about it saying how much I appreciate that.
And even though I always do what my partner wants and I always support him, him calling my needs of “bullshit” made me think he just doesn’t respect me or take my needs seriously. The way I see things now – there is no way back from things that were said, I feel like I don’t see our relationship the same way anyway. Is there a way to move past this that I can’t see?