Hey, I’m 18F and just want some perspectives/advice on this situation. TW all about mental health stuff and touchy subjects like sh and suicide
I’ve struggled with mental health since I was really young, and I’ve never been too close with my parents just cause I have difficulties being close with people, but now its worse. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was 9 but wasn’t told till late 2022 when I was 17. Obviously I was confused and frankly felt betrayed. But it’s opened my eyes to a lot of other things they’ve done over the years that seem negligent imo but I can understand/forgive all but 2. I want some perspective to see if there really is just things I’m missing, but mainly advice on how to move forward. I love my family and I want things to be ok again.
Situation 1:
I probably reached my worst point during covid and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since 11. I didn’t bring it up before because my brother also struggled and I didn’t want my parents to think they failed both of us. Anyway, I started sh-ing more during covid and one time I went out in a tank top (I cut my shoulders bc its easier to hide) to ask my mother a quick question and realized my mistake too late. She saw, I panicked, covered what I could, said “I cut myself” (smooth ik), she asked why, I tried to backtrack and say “no no it was an accident with some scissors”, I retreated to my room after other incoherent excuses, all in all not convincing. I freaked out and avoided them but barely even a week later I had a video assignment for school and asked my dad for help. It was hot outside and I took off my jacket like an idiot. We finished the assignment and as we were going back inside he asked what was on my shoulder, I panic again and said it was the cat, he said “Oh yeah I think your mother mentioned something about that”, he kept trying to get me to show him the cuts but I kept saying it looked worse than it was and eventually made it back to my room. Avoided them again, and to my then relief it wasn’t ever brought up. But looking back I wonder why they never said anything? They obviously discussed it, I gave 2 different horrible excuses, was clearly panicked and lying, and my cuts were pretty obviously sh, no scissors or cat was doing that shit. I can’t get over it because what if I really had offed myself? Where they not even a little concerned about it? My brother had also been suicidal a couple years prior (he’s better thankfully) and my mother is a teacher and trained to identify and deal with these kinds of things. I just can’t understand why they let me be. What if I had gotten hurt? At the very least a small conversation would’ve been good no?
Second situation:
This first takes place fall of 2022. So, I had begun dissociating really bad after covid and now back at school it was really freaking me out. I had stayed silent in hopes it would go away my junior year but my senior year I had had enough and spoke to my doctor. I’m 17 at this point. She suggests therapy and I expected that answer. To do therapy though I’d have to at least tell my mom as I couldn’t pay or drive on my own. I did and while I watered it down a bit I basically said, “I’ve been dissociating for a while and it’s really been affecting my life, my doctor suggested therapy and think at least a couple of sessions might be helpful.” I wasn’t too afraid of this as again they went to great lengths to help my brother before. I had always assumed they would help me all I needed to do was 1. Admit I had a problem, and 2. Tell them. 2 things I had immense difficulties doing. But I did and my mother agreed readily. I was extremely happy, I thought I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, I was getting help. Finally. Maybe I wouldn’t have to suffer and waste such a good life any longer. Unfortunately it was a false promise. She forgot and even though I reminded her multiple times over the span of a few months she repeatedly forgot, said she would help but didn’t. I was extremely hurt and confused. But I gave up and accepted this is just how I would have to live for at least another year. But then not long after this incident I find out they had lied about my weird illness when I was 9 and it was actually caused by anxiety not a stomach ulcer. I felt the glass shatter, everything over the years began making incredible sense and it was absolutely heartbreaking. It felt as if my world and everything I thought I had known was crumbling and all a lie. Why did they do that? Why did they do any of this?
With all of it being built up for 8+ years and hitting me at once I was extremely hurt and had a hard time processing it. I admit once everything began dawning on me I grew resentful and wasn’t easy to be around. Not like a crazy person but even more distant, cold, and disrespectful. It was a revenge of sorts but it only makes me feel worse. That’s why I’m so desperate to understand them, I want to be ok with them again.
I’ve brought it up casually twice and both times my mother becomes very distressed and hard to talk to. I’m bad with confrontation and so just went to defusing instead getting answers so the only explanation I’ve actually gotten is that she didn’t help schedule the therapy because she was busy. I was her TA at the time as she worked at my school so I knew the basics of her workload, it’s a lot but I was literally asking to get help, was work really more important? And it’s not as if it was more than when my brother needed help. They gave him every resource and I got none even if my situation wasn’t as dire in their eyes. It just hurts, and I’m not sure how to go forward.
Any advice? Are there things I just can’t understand bc I’m young without a family of my own or bc of my own bias? Would you even want your kid to bring it up? If so how should I go about it to make it easier?
TLDR; I \[18F\] need help repairing my strained relationship with my parents \[49FM\] after they brushed off my sh and request for therapy.