I’m a couple months shy of 29 and I’ve noticed a huge difference over the past year or two in how people regard me.
I used to get friendly acknowledgement from a solid number of people out and about, at least one or two attractive (to me) women would smile at me, employees and clerks were chipper and pleasant…
Now, it’s like I’m not even there. I could literally walk straight into someone and be unnoticed. I’m treated almost like I’m an imposition.
I’m not any more heavy, bald, or wrinkled than I was 2 years ago. I’ve never considered myself particularly attractive, either… yet the only way I can rationalize this is I’ve somehow become ‘ugly’ so to speak. One big indication I guess is that immediate family no longer compliments my appearance.
Anyway, I wanted to know if this is a common experience for guys around 30 more or less.
25 comments
I’ve not noticed that. If anything, the opposite
This post isn’t invisible.
You become more invisible to young people, but way more visible to your own peers and people who are 5-20 years older than you.
The whole dynamic in public changed in the last few years, so this may just be a natural progression rather than something about you specifically or men in general.
I’m 35 and I feel more visible than ever before
Almost 40. Seems like attention is about the same as my early 30s. Early 20s I got nothing. Absolutely nothing. So this has been much better. I’m curious to see how my 40s go, I’m guessing that depends on the trajectory of my career.
I am a big believer in “men have clocks too” but what you’re describing doesn’t seem to be widespread or if there’s an effect, it’s just due to people being less social after COVID and not a loss in your outwards virility.
Men of all ages become visible past a certain networth
It could be you. Make sure you acknowledge people you pass, give a friendly nod and a “hello” and they’ll respond more often than not.
Be the change you want in the world!
I have had this feeling before because I was massively insecure. I remember being 28 and going to a party full of particularly rude assholes who rolled their eyes when I introduced myself, and genuinely interpreting from that that it was because I was ugly and old. Interestingly, as I got older, including a stretch during the pandemic where I was fatter, balder, and altogether more slovenly than I’ve ever been in my life, people started outright hitting on me more than ever. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself “look dude the world does not work at all how you think it does.”
Society just got noticeably weirder in the last few years. More awkward and shy. The morale of clerks, cashiers, and servers took a HUGE dive over the pandemic too. I know because I used to work in that industry and have a lot of friends who still do and saw them change. A lot less “hi how are you, that’s a cool hat, what can I get you” a lot more “I hate my life fuck off.” I also notice a shyness in myself, and have to work at remembering to smile and not look closed off in public. I think a lot of people are in that boat right now.
There may be a genuine experience of invisibility for guys who are like 50+, you know solidly middle age and looking like another nondescript “dad.” But from late 20s to mid 30s men usually look their best in society’s eyes, because they look like the adult celebrities on TV instead of babyfaced/boyish, but aren’t weathered enough to look aged yet. So you’re not at the age where this becomes an issue.
Looking back, there was a time in my life, around 27-28, where I was extremely conventionally attractive and had good style, fitness, everything dialed in. I don’t mean this as a brag or a flex; I only bring it up to report what my experience was like. I had no sense of it at the time because I was deeply insecure. It’s just something I can see more objectively looking at old photos (I look a lot worse now lol). Women weren’t particularly forward or flirty with me, outside of some niche areas like bars and even then it was often subtle like standing closer all “okay you make the move please.” The real indicators, the comments and compliments, came from old women, gay men, and kids (not in a sexual way obviously just like, children have no shame or filter about calling you handsome/cute/ugly or whatever and will make it very obvious). The cashiers and passersby and stuff weren’t that different and are not a reliable source of feedback on your looks. Just a data point for you.
Slap a ring on your finger and you will
have to beat the women back. Something about a fit young married man makes some women lose all sense of reason and decorum.
I’m 42. Way younger females mostly don’t notice me, and tbh I’m fine with that. I would never consider dating someone below 30. But mid thirties and up maybe more attention.
My experience of getting older is that men are slightly more likely to acknowledge me, while women continue to not acknowledge me as before.
Think about it from their perspective – men see you as slightly more useful / commanding slightly more respect due to your age, while women see you as just as much of a stranger danger as before.
If you are sure something has changed, it is probably either A) macro, as people say, COVID has impacted things, B) related to your outward appearance, might be worth undoing any recent changes and see if that helps, or C) you are putting off a different vibe.
Opposite for me.
I also grew out a mustache in the past couple of years and it apparently makes me look a lot more approachable.
I’m 34 and crawling w it. It gets better
53M here and I definitely notice it among a certain age cohort. I think at least to under 30 women I look like a creepy old man if I make eye contact or smile (not flirting, just friendly). In my own age group, I still feel visible though.
It worked for John Cena I guess.
I’ve noticed it. I’m 40. But only bc I don’t put myself in positions to be around a bunch of younger single women. I’d think it would be there to some extent if I was trying to get women’s attention and stuff, although I’m older now so it prob has dropped off somewhat. I’m no longer a peer, more so sugar daddy age.
If you’re not any more heavy, bald or wrinkled than you were 2 years ago, how would people know that you’re getting older? I don’t think it has anything to do with age
I mean all older people become invisible. 30 is a bit young for it to happen to men. In general terms, it happens to women first, then men, and by the time you’re 40/50 your “opinions” are no longer culturally relevant, nor is your presence. It’s weird to see happen. Almost 40 here.
The must frustrating thing to me, is that thy unpopular opinions are so clearly uninformed with the advantage of age, that it’s sickening. Nonetheless, I’m sure I was guilty of also being stupid.
My experience is that I receive less attention from 18-23 year-old women, and much, much, much, much more attention from 24-40 year-old women. The flip side of this is that now I’m very much “a man” rather than, say, a “college kid” or “recent grad” or “young man.” No one wonders if I might be lost, or new here, or whatever. People assume that I have the power to effect change in my environment, achieve my goals, wield some level of power, etc., but at the same time, if not, no one (aside from family) would care at all if I starved to death. So, I’m invisible to, say, community support groups and the goodwill of the government, but if you’re talking about being less attractive to women (especially women your age), then I think you’re in the wrong city, friend.
I’ve always felt invisible.
Not in my experience. I do think the self-image of many men take a hit when they hit their 30s. That lack of confidence can lead to a bit of invisibility.
Women experience ageism way worse than men.
Are you mean mugging everyone? Or something similar?