Edit: it’s quite clear this was a terrible idea. I think I read it in a blog post about breaking the news, and also my wife has told me she prefers to hear difficult news in therapy, but I think this really doesn’t work at all and is very difficult for the therapist to manage, as many people have pointed out.
Some asked if I could let the therapist know beforehand. I don’t think that’s possible because for the therapist to be holding secrets against one of us makes the therapeutic relationship pretty difficult.
So, I think this is a no go.
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TL;Dr: Is it appropriate to tell my wife I’m leaving during a therapy session? Might it help contain the conversation and keep it productive?
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I’m not gonna go into all the background here (although I posted it to r/divorce which you can find through my account if interested).
Although I’ve been trying to tell her how I feel for a year, I still suspect she’ll be extremely shocked, angry, upset etc. and it’s hard to predict how she’ll react.
I’m aware that in this conversation it’s ideal for me to be firm, matter of fact and avoid blame or justifying myself. It’s going to be a challenge for me to remain focused and “on mission” when I’m pretty sure she’ll be using every emotional manipulation she knows of to make me engage with her blame game and guilt me into staying and apologising.
My plan is to leave right after that conversation to stay nearby (I’m trying to sort out a lease), because trying to stay in the same house after this conversation will be intolerable. And the only real thing to be decided in the conversation itself is whether it’s best for the kids to come with me there and then to give her the space to grieve, break down, or whatever she needs to do without childcare responsibilities, or for them to stay with her.
(Either way, I want us to have 50/50 custody and I won’t accept anything else, so it’ll only be a few days until the kids go to the other parent anyway)
I’m wondering if it’s a little easier to manage the conversation and keep it focused on productive points in one of our regular couples therapy sessions? And if that’s something the therapist will know how to deal with? Or if it’s best for it to be a personal conversation between the two of us?
Any thoughts greatly appreciated 🙏