I 22M , met the love of my life 22F three years ago. Initially struggling with emotional immaturity and self-absorption, I’ve actively embarked on a transformative journey over these past three years, not just for her but also for my own personal growth. She has played a crucial role in shaping me into the person I am today.
Reflecting on my past, I acknowledge instances under the influence where I almost crossed boundaries. Recognizing a pattern, I realized the need for establishing boundaries and curbing my overly friendly nature. Despite being openly bi, I grappled with internalized homophobia, a struggle I consistently shared openly with her.
Recently, in the midst of doubts, I made a regrettable mistake, leading to the loss of both a childhood friendship and, more significantly, her. It’s been two months, and while I didn’t anticipate a return to how things were, I’m grappling with the guilt of shedding a weight off my shoulders (being sure of my sexuality) while transferring that burden onto her.
I wanted to end the relationship, but it wasn’t my choice. I understand it’s not just about what I’ve done but also about what I haven’t. The toll of the college lifestyle, drugs, and an emotionally taxing job has been evident, preventing me from providing her with what she truly deserved. Instead of granting me another chance, she offered an opportunity for autonomous adult growth, expecting me to pick up the pieces and demonstrate a genuine commitment to change.
In response, I’ve attended NA meetings, minimized work hours, resumed counseling, and even discontinued my ADHD medication, recognizing it as a crutch. I’ve consciously prioritized her, addressing past concerns about not feeling prioritized in our relationship. She’s acknowledged that, despite the ups and downs, she doesn’t perceive me as a bad person but as someone who has made regrettable decisions.
I grapple with incomplete self-forgiveness. Constant intrusive thoughts persist, navigating responsibility and guilt has been challenging, especially given my struggles with OCD over the past few years, turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy where doubts and insecurities confirm my actions.
After investing two months in making positive changes, I never anticipated it would be enough. Despite her compassion, patience, and love, the desired level of healing seems elusive for her. She feels guilty for not moving on despite recognizing my sincere efforts. From the beginning, I communicated that I didn’t expect immediate resolution. Although she acknowledges my transformation, she struggles to offer the validation I seek. And I need to find that within myself.
We’ve reached a point where, acknowledging the depth of our friendship beyond romance, we decided to take a break to salvage our relationship. I took the responsibility of initiating this, understanding the emotional toll it was taking on both of us. This decision wasn’t solely based on my needs; rather, I recognized it was essential for both of us to heal and process independently.
She grapples with her own self-esteem issues and she’s finally opening up about these struggles. I feel like the break is giving her the space to do that beyond me and our relationship. I want her to be able to heal and process everything as she didn’t fully confide in her family and friends and I didn’t want her to protect me in the process.
Our recent discussions reflect a mutual commitment to maintaining the connection, as she believes this break is more about a pause than a permanent breakup. The outcome remains uncertain, acknowledging the possibility of either reconciliation or the realization that parting ways is the healthier choice.
Despite the challenges, we’ve remained in touch the past few days, supporting each other through this process. Family members on both sides have expressed respect for the way I’ve approached the situation and still regard me as a son. Despite understanding the necessity of the break, the difficulty lies in not being able to communicate with my best friend.
Looking forward, we’ve set a one-month duration for this break. I am clear about my intentions not to engage with anyone else or resort to external substances during this period. I want to afford her the time and space to decide what she truly wants, whether it involves exploring other connections or opting for a different lifestyle.
I seek advice on navigating this unique and challenging situation while respecting her need for space and healing. She has been asking for reassurance and we have been speaking over text but I don’t want to fulfil her needs when deep down she probably needs space and it is making us in a state of denial almost. Seeking guidance to do what’s best by her.
TL;DR: Going through a break with my girlfriend after facing challenges in our relationship. I’ve made significant personal growth, but she’s struggling with healing. We’ve taken a break for a month, maintaining communication, and it’s uncertain whether we’ll reconcile or part ways. Seeking advice on navigating this unique situation and respecting her need for space and healing.