My partner was telling me he was unsatisfied with our sex life, because he feels ‘bored’ because it’s too predictable and because he mainly initiates.
I am aware that I have sexual issues because of past trauma which makes it so I only experience reactive arousal which he is aware of. I’m also just in general very shy and have a bad relationship with sex in general.
Because i’m aware of this and i want him to be satisfied, i read up on tips of how to get myself hornier without his help so that I could initiate. So the morning after he talked to me about this, i got up and got ready, had a nice shower and read up on some literotica to get horny so I could initiate when I got back into the bedroom where he was sleeping.
When we were long distance before, we often dirty talked a lot about waking each other up with sex and touching, and I asked if that was something he’d want to happen irl and he said yes. So me remembering this conversation thought it’d be a good idea to wake him up by touching him and giving him kisses.
After about a minute, he removed my hands and grumpily just told me he was too tired. And later when he actually woke up he made a joke about the situation.
I now feel embarrassed and hurt, because I truly hadnt up until this point gotten the courage to fully blatantly initiate with a partner before. Am I silly for feeling this way? Is there a better way that I can initiate that is better received? I feel afraid of trying again out of fear of being denied and laughed at.