Usually, during a conversation with other people I tend to really listen to what they say and I like to know how they feel or what they think about X or things like that. And when people ask me these kind of questions (like “What are your plans for the holidays?” or “What kind of music do you like?”) I usually always ask them back.
But I noticed that people who ask questions back are not a wide majority. Do you also feel that way ?
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One of the most useful social cheat codes I’ve found is to take such questions as a prompt to ask them back the same or similar question—they may have something they’re excited to share if you just give them an opening. It also takes the pressure off you to share in more than cursory detail. In your case I’d just assume they were like me before learning this One Trick and not understanding the opening that provides.
It’s… a little disconcerting how well it works.
I’ve found that to be true. I’ve also found it to be true that almost everyone feels weird in a new social setting. Even the ones who look like it comes naturally. The ones who’ve honed their skills are the ones who ask questions back.
LOLZ (not to make light of your post OP, it’s just that I’ve been preaching the gospel on this topic for probably 25 years now).
To answer your question, yes, I also feel that way (that few people ask questions). In fact, I *know* that’s correct. This has been a big bug with me for a long time, and I have carefully observed social interactions in a wide variety of settings (school, work, social etc.) and if I had to guess, I’d say, consistently, that maybe 5% of people are questioners to any significant degree.
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At my last job, this irked me so bad that I tried to broach it with this one woman I worked with. I just gently mentioned that questions are a crucial part of good conversation, and pointed out that I did this a lot. No change. Tried again a few mos. later, adding that it would show enormous benefits in her own life (the old self-interest ploy…). No change. I think she felt like I was telling her what to do, despite my most sincere attempts not to come off like that, and even more, I think she might have been a bit of a narcissist, unable to get outside herself (which was why I broached this in the first place).
One time, when working with her, I had just come back from a 12-day, 8300 mile road trip through the American west. She saw me, my first day back, and said, “How was your trip?” I said, “I saw some of the most amazing things in the world.” She said, “Cool!”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO…how could you not say, “Like what?” How is that even physically possible?
This also illustrates a key point about questions: first questions don’t count for much, since they are often just kind of basic chit-chat/icebreakers: “How’s it going?” “How was your trip?” The real value of questions is what I call the “second question.” The follow-up, more specific, “Like what?” say, or “Where did you go?” etc. etc.
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I also tried the same thing with a social friend of mine. I had tired of extreme one-way questions (I asked, she didn’t), and so again trying to be positive in my approach, I told her that I felt this was a real issue in our relationship, and I asked if she could try to ask more often. No luck atoll with that. In this case, I think it was a cognitive issue–I think she really couldn’t think up anything to ask.
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So anyway, In Conclusion. This is a very desirable skill (you can find a dozen “communication pages” on the web touting the benefits of questions, saying people should ask more of them, in a variety of settings–social, business, work) so no doubt this is good, but Most. People. Just. Won’t. Do. It. Even when encouraged and asked.
Unless you luck into a really good social situation, you will likely need to steel yourself to the reality that “people who ask questions back are not a wide majority,” as you say, in fact they’re a damn small minority. Have some ideas on how to adapt to this if you’d like to respond to this comment.
Right??? Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m forcing the conversation, so I eventually stop asking questions because I feel like the other person doesn’t really want to talk and the conversation fades away.
The thing is, its better to never ask questions.
People want to have fun in conversation. They don’t want to participate in a mini interview.
Further, people will feel like you might be leading them into a trap “hey are you free this weekend?” -> “oh boy… are you going to ask a favor??”
You should instead choose one of the following:
1) volunteer your own answer to the question you are going to ask, then ask the question. “I’m going to the movies this weekend. What are you up to?”
2) HAVE FUN in the conversation. Be silly and still get the answers you want. Lead with an ASSUMPTION. “You look like you’re ready for the weekend! Gonna party till the sun comes up?” And exaggerations are ok here to emphasize the sillyness of the question. The goal is to have fun and show a lighter side to the conversation.
admittedly I only ask questions back if it’s someone I actually wanna talk to lol
not only people who ask questions back aren’t the majority, but also people who ask questions AND are genuinely interested and listen carefully to the replies are even more rare. I’m naturally like this (I don’t even try, tbh), and I often see people / strangers open up like crazy after a very short time into the conversation.
If you’re in the shyer side, never underestimate the power of volunteering stories, opinions, information relevant to the topic or even starting a new one. Many “socially skilled people” do, even if it’s mundane, they add their perspective and opinion to make it more interesting.
People build a report by learning about you too, so if you ask a question and they answer but don’t ask in return, just volunteer a relevant story or thoughts. If they don’t engage with you sharing, esp on multiple occasions, they probably aren’t worth talking to
Most people’s’ favorite subject is themselves. You seem to have a consider approach to conversation. A concept lost today.
This is fairly common in neurodivergent communication. Reciprocal questions are not often asked (it can feel like an awkward interview to ask the same question back to someone), but rather, it is assumed that if you brought a topic up, it is because you want to talk about it! So after your friend answers the question, offer your answer to the question in return, or respond something within their answer. Neurodivergent conversation tends to bounce back and forth between statements and anecdotes, not necessarily through reciprocal questions.
I don’t like answering questions when conversing with strangers, so I’m glad when they don’t ask me questions.
same! when i get a response from a friend, it’s usually just “ok” or a like reaction. It cripples me so much.
Im trying my best to be a better friend or acquaintance.
Same here
I feel this way too. Over time, I learned that it’s also ok for me to voluntarily tell stories and ideas of myself. I don’t have to wait until the other person ask. I can answer my own question after them! Something I’ve observed from extroverts is their ability to weave convos from one point from previous story into the next. Basically the art of storytelling. I thought that was pretty cool.
People love to talk about themselves way more than they love listening to others talk about themselves. I don’t think it’s because they have any ill intent.
Also idk if this is good advice or not, but whenever I talk with others and ask them questions, I also make sure to talk about myself after they’ve said what they wanted to say regarding my question or the topic of conversation at hand.
I’m in a few social reddits and I replied to a few that was “looking for friends” but only maybe 1 out of 5 messaged back, she wouldn’t really keep the conversation going or ask questions and then ended it with I’m gonna go play some video game like why do people say they want friends or people to talk to amd make a whole post about being lonely but never really want to talk to people it’s annoying sometimes
I think a lot of people converse by thought vocalizing, leads to less structure
I mostly ask questions back when it’s someone asks me a question that I’m not comfortable revealing. For example, if someone asks me how old I am I would ask them how old they are as well since it’s only fair that they reveal their age if I’m going to reveal mine. Another thing that I would do is that if they say something inappropriate of me or if it’s something that I don’t like to hear, I would repeat the same exact thing to them like a parrot just so they can hear what they’ve said exactly from another person.
This is one of the deep pains of my life. Being wired to need to connect with people is a curse, because few people view conversation as an opportunity for genuine connection and mutual benefit. Generally, when I volunteer information, people show little to no interest and move the conversation back to themselves and what they know without any indication they heard me. People who reciprocate are gems nowadays. Just realize that most human brains feel more pleasure talking about themselves then they would having s*x. Don’t give that away for free. You will begin resenting people; I am there and it’s a bad place to be for your mental health. Another thing I’m coming to realize, many extroverts get feel good/ dopamine hits just by talking at someone without listening. Their bodies give them participation trophies just for being in the presence of others. My body doesn’t do that for me. Positive feeling around others is hard-won for me. Also, I know people dismiss Myers-Briggs as a sham, but it helps me understand who can and can’t be a good conversation partner for me. I feel depleted and misunderstood talking to sensor types. They either don’t understand me or I bend to their world and feel quietly misunderstood. I would never disparage this type of person (takes all types), but it often feels impossible to have any depth of conversation with these them. I prefer them for in-the-moment activities. I have a sensor MIL who straight up told me she doesn’t want to get to know me by asking me questions, she will get to know me by how we cook together :/ It’s not you. People are self-focused and in-the-moment in how they process information.