We have been together for \~3 years and lived together for about 2 of them… Recently things have been coming to a head more and we argue almost any time we communicate. I think I’m mostly laid back and move at a bit of a slower pace. She is more productive with higher stress/anxiety levels always look to the future and feeling fulfilled.
I think we have a serious problem with resolving conflict. There isn’t really many things (or perhaps any) that we have actually compromised on after conflict and both felt good about the outcome. Generally we beat the horse until she just shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, which I don’t like because it’s just unresolved. Obviously this is my take only, but I think we are both stubborn and opinionated, so if it doesn’t go 100% our way then we aren’t happy with the outcome.
Supporting each other is rough too. There is a bar that opened nearby recently that keeps me up until 2 a.m. almost every night (I’m doing everything I can to handle the noise including with the police/apt compex/etc). It’s to the point of impacting my quality of life. She is absolutely tired of it and hates me complaining when I can’t do anything to fix it. I get it’s annoying, but I guess I’d like a little sympathy given the impact it’s having on me instead of getting fed up with listening to me. She sleeps like a rock so it’s a non issue for her.
Edit: I’ve tried earplugs, she can’t deal with white noise machine in the room as it keeps her awake. I do use bluetooth headphones, but it’s hard to sleep when you hear/feel a THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP nonstop.
Another example is venting about work. When she vents I tend to ask some questions along the way to try to be helpful, but she says that by asking questions isn’t supportive. It feels like she just wants me to blindly agree. Is there a better way for me to handle this?
Lastly, it feels like any time I have an opinion, she says I’m being defensive and should just be easy going with whatever. I don’t know how to communicate without it coming across as defensive apparently.
I’m going to stop here for now. I think we are both good people with good intentions that would like to make each other happy, but it’s just so frustrating that we can’t see eye to eye on these sorts of things.
4 comments
Therapy?
But seriously…stop bitching and look for mitigations. Ear plugs. White noise machine. Blue tooth head phones and guided meditation.
If you’re complaining all the time, I’d be fed up too.
>venting about work
a lot going on here but I’m just going to touch on this. when she vents she just wants you to listen and yes maybe even agree.
I would suggest couples therapy or a friend to mediate a discussion about the reasons you’ve been arguing.
A lot to unpack here,
For the venting about work situation definitely just listen and agree even when you think she’s overreacting or possibly even brining some of the problems on herself. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess when you’re asking questions it’s I’m a way that you’re hoping will lead her to the realization that she’s looking at the situation wrong, if this is the case (even if she is looking at the situation wrong) costs you nothing to side woth her 100% because I guarantee that although you may think once she realizes you’re ppint of view the venti f about work may happen less often since ideally the problems would start happening less often, this is not the case. So again just nod and agree when she calls Becky a bitch etc… 😅
As for the bar thing, that’s rough mate, and since I’m guessing arsons out (joking) I understand why you’d be so irritated and constantly brining it up. But from her point of view the situation can’t be helped and she’s likely irritated that a problem she views as minor (compared to you’re view) is taking up so much of your focus. I also don’t think it’s helpful for your state of mind to keep bringing it up, it’s only going to frustrate you more that she doesn’t seem to sympathize and that it can’t be fixed. I’d suggest maybe letting off stink bags several times a week, calling health inspectors on the off chance they aren’t up to code, and if you’re really creative maybe you can find a way to prove they are letting minors in (I’ll let you explore that idea yourself in more detail)
Overall it sounds like you two need some constructive passtimes apart, may lead to you having and easier time letting her win the arguments or think she’s right without it bugging you as much at a deeper level. I know that’s hard as hell and honestly unless you love this girl from the bottom of your heart may not be something you’re willing to do. Lastly therapy may help (I’d suggest solo at first) get your side of things put to a professional so you can get a third party take on the situation that isn’t coming from random people like me on the internet.
Bottom line, best of luck man I really hope it works out and that you can get some sleep!!!
It sounds like you don’t know when to stop talking. In every example you provided, that was a problem. 1. When she vents about work and you ask questions, she tells you to just listen. 2. When you have an argument, she stops talking/takes space, but you don’t want to stop until it’s resolved 3. You complain non stop to her about something that effects her too, and she asks you to stop complaining about it. I’m not saying one person is 100% right and the other is 100% wrong, I’m just trying to offer some perspective as this is an advice sub.