Good morning all. I’m in a bit of a situation and need some advice. (Shared anonymous account with my brothers).
As many men my age, we are looking for a healthy relationship and the eventual mother of my children. My current girlfriend is amazing and fits in every way possible. I’ve been in many toxic and unhealthy relationships that have ended badly and she, similarly, came out one of her own that lasted “way too long”.
During that “way too long” relationship, she had a kid with the guy (35m; 31m at the time) because of a mistake and when the little one was barely 1 year old, she left. Just having a few light relationships but never anything serious till I came along.
Now, coming to the situation, so please bear with me. After an almost 2 year relationship, we have fun together and chat about almost everyone, her daughter is like my own and it feels like we have an equal relationship with our own spaces when needed. When she needs some understanding and help, I give it to her, and vice versa.
We sat down for one of those ‘future’ talks, and these were the current differences that came out:
– she isn’t sure about having future kids anymore (though I told her from day 1 that I want – “because they won’t be as easy, as my first one”) [she essentially raised her as a single parent and her ex and her are in a court case because he spites her “I don’t care about the kid but I want to make your life hell”]
– if we marry, I told her that I’m happy or okay with her keeping her surname but future kids should have my surname in it too. Her words “so they end up with three surnames?” It’s my child too, so yes, I would like the kid to have mine too.
– I am not allowed to adopt her daughter despite us going to end up paying everything for the little one, from schooling to growing up. Her words “if we end things, o don’t want to fight you for custody too!” and “if you leave, I will be left alone with two kids to raise from different fathers.” I’m not like that, I love my family and my friends. I’ve been through hard times and they’ve always stuck with me.
– I am not allowed to raise any future child as I was raised since she “knows how to raise children because I’ve done it already and you have no experience.” I wish to be a father and will.look forward to it; I grew up well, two degrees, a masters, two postgraduate diplomas; national team with trophies and medals under the belt; have a steadfast group of friends; worked 15 years with children; have my own place; have savings… I workedike a dog for everything and I’m happy with how I am right now.
– The other crux of the discussion was, “Where are going to live?” I wish to move abroad and so does she, back to her own country with her family for support. (He doesn’t pay the child support either and makes very unreasonable demands, once even shouting at the kid – 2y/o at the time – “If you’re so unhappy with me, then why don’t you make OP your father?”). Part of me is of the same descent and I want to move there but it’s dependent on the court outcome and my training. My training might take 2/3 years longer and if we stay here – “I don’t want to be far from the sea and want a playground nearby”; “your place is your place, not mine. If we get a place, we have to get one together.” She rents approx 1/3rd her monthly salary and I pay 1/3rd my salary in loan fee. I have no wish to sell my place since it will be worth renting but until the court proceedings are done (1 year left on average), I am in no position to deny or accept anything. She will leave immediately if she wins to her home country for both their sakes, since he will be very likely to turn into one of those “I’m going to shoot you if I lose types” – regular drugs, alcohol, if you can’t have her then no one can kind of attitude.
What do you all think? Any advice please?